Dating Indonesian Girls
Apr 4th, 2006, in Society, by PatungDating Indonesian women may not be for everyone.
Indonesian women, particularly on the island of Java, are exceptionally beautiful. They tend towards the very feminine side, with lovely skin, are not too tall, and have knock-out smiles. There’s plenty of plus on that side of things.
If wer’e to be honest we have to recognise that many men are interested in a woman who will take care of him, do the housework without complaint, and take care of other matters similarly without much bother. Your average Indonesian girl often fits the bill in this respect, certainly more than your average western woman, the less said about them the better.
On the other hand going out with Indonesian women in a romantic way can have many mysterious pitfalls.
Some women here are clearly only interested in money. Some men are unbothered by this. Others of the female variety, can, once we get to know them very well, come across as practically insane, hysterically emotional, scheming, over-possessive, inclined to, usually fake, attempts at self-harm in order to get their way. As I said, not for the faint-hearted.
There are a few Indonesia dating websites although the area is not nearly as developed as that in nearby Phillipines or Thailand. To begin your online journey on the Indonesian dating scene our very own “Meet” section has many a lady eager for company.
4,898 Comments on “Dating Indonesian Girls”
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jen says:
@Andy
Yeah, didn’t realize until it was posted. I don’t mind if Patung wanna remove that, it wasn’t that important anyway. -
Certainly not Jen, it was a good story, Andy needs to learn some manners…
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Farah says:
@ Jen
I like your experience 🙂 and appreciate you share it here with us !How i fall head over heels to a bule after dislike them for many years.. maybe just the very same reason like yours.
I know this American family that had two young boy, age 5 and 3. They often invite me for lunch or dinner. The sweetest thing is, the daddy always say to the oldest boy “Sam, don’t forget to say thank you to your mom” and he take his plate and glass to the sink and say “thanks mom it was delicious”. I feel so warm to see that !! There are a lot more reasons for sure why i like them.
I never had sex with my expat bf. It was more to religious reason. Better to keep it for the last, and he did respect that. I don’t care if people don’t believe that, i don’t care what people think. He learn about islam, and goes to moslem community mosque in Houston, TX to learn more. I really appreciate what he’s doing (very much!). He got a qur’an, and we read each other the verse that we like when we talk on phone.
He say he could wait for sex, and he did for years…. well of course many will say, he must be doing that back USA i wont know (i don’t want to know either, and i just believe him). I said to him, if i could hold my self not to do it with other guys, why you can’t do that either? and joking that only weak guys did that !
And yes Jen ! they are good negotiator i think, never he mad at me. Always supportive and look at the good in everyone. Change my point of view about many things. And yessss i got addicted to traveling because of he say i would love it, and i love it !
Gals, stop it now. Don’t you feel irritated when someone from different countries said bad things about us? Let’s fix our ‘image’, about Indonesian girls being unfaithful, money worshippers etc etc. There must be something more about those foreigners beside what’s in their ‘pockets’ and ‘packages’. Steal something else that’s more long lasting… their good habits, their creativity, whatever it is which can make us a better person. Or give something to them… kindness, happiness, good memories… Don’t depend yourself on (a) guy(s). If you see someone for their money, I’d say that it’s pretty much that they’ll give you. Are you worth some amount of money? You deserve so much more.
I try to change this point of view at my working place, and those bule did surprise that none of girls here interested to go to bed with them when they waving some sum of money. But only new bule think this way.
Those who stay here more than 3-4 years said, that wasn’t true, and not all indonesian girls could fall for those dollar bills. So they got those hunky tonky gf from Jakarta bar/night club (yepp block M area), while they transit back to their country, to their WIFE back at home.
@ Andy
Yes, i could see that, and know it before i post reply comments to you.I know maybe back in your country its doesn’t matter to stay together or “kumpul kebo” for the rest of your life. But not here. That’s what i am trying to say. We have different culture. It is still not accepted by many people here in Indonesia.
Anyway I don’t see marriage as the ultimate commitment, that is parenthood. You can ask anyone who has had kids about that. 24/7 commitment required by two people. Not all are capable which shows what a difficult task it is.
I know you are married (why you should??? if you can, why others can’t???). It is difficult, but it is possible to do.
This is for another post (which is on another page here) but many Indonesians are not up to this task as they palm their kids off to nannies while going off enjoying themselves.
Who pay the nanny?? Mr bule the hubby of course (as i assume these lady who had time to enjoy them self is not working). If he agree to pay, means he know the consequences, right?
When you have kids, i think its both parents responsibilities, not all mom, or dad. Especially these days where both parents are needed to work sometimes to pay the whole bills. You can’t blame the whole thing on mom (while daddy have to play golf or hang out with friends at pub??get real !).
If both of parents able to team up, you wont need nannies. In western you are able to live without nanny (due to its very expensive) why u need it here? 😉
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Achmad Sudarsono says:
@ Ibu Farah Yth.,
As Good Indonesian Woman, maybe you can help me. I am try to be Good Indonesian Man and faithful to my four wives. But when I do my live shows – my keroncong, Dangdut and 70s cabaret, many, many women beg me to give them special Achmad lovin’…Unfortunately, some of my friends from the free love era of the ’60s, like Jim Morrison and Joan Baez ‘rubbed off’ on me (Va Va Voom!), so I don’t feel I can refuse them.
What can I do ?
How can I balance the demands of Pancasila (keadilan, kemanusiaan), with my Iman ?
Why should the women of Indonesia be denied my loving embrace ?
I hope you can help.
Drs. A. Sudarsono
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@ Mr Achmad
LOLI know how famous you are Mr Achmad. An irresistible performer aren’t you?
Hehehe.. i know it sound little bit unfair to think about balancing the Pancasila and your Iman, hard choice….
What i learn is, not to think about that much, and i have tons of activities that time to do (that’s my experience).
When i had my ex-bule bf, i was still studying in university on scholarship, have to maintain my grades, have to keep achieving in basketball, and have my work to do, so i could pay my phone and internet bills to maintain my relationship (LDR-long distance relationship is hard).
So i have my hand full to even think about rubbing him that time (even that sound very interesting to do). Also we had long distance relationship, so.. hes not available all the time.
I didn’t say that woman should deny, its just sound very hypocrite if someone actually want something but then say it was bad. Like Jen experience here, if you want it do it, all the consequences with you of course.
Because as far as i know, bule mind like Andy set to this : if you had sex doesn’t always meant that you are going to marry at the end.
🙂 🙂 keep showing your lovin’ Mr Achmad.. bet those woman craving for that !
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brian astaga says:
@ Farah
you sound like a lesbian to me!
well of course many will say, he must be doing that back USA i wont know (i don’t want to know either, and i just believe him).
if you are thinking about it, you must want to know!!!!!!!!!!!!
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2 weeks until I’m off to see my indonesian bird..
if love dont prevail at leaset I will get some dahm good jiggy-jig 🙂 happy happy
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dps_gurl says:
Hey ya all, Im new and I think this is the longest subject on this site.
So then Im gonna read it all then it looks interesting- takes time tho.
have a nice day!
dpsgurl -
ET says:
@ Farah
I never had sex with my expat bf. It was more to religious reason. Better to keep it for the last, and he did respect that. I don’t care if people don’t believe that, i don’t care what people think. He learn about islam, and goes to moslem community mosque in Houston, TX to learn more. I really appreciate what he’s doing (very much!). He got a qur’an, and we read each other the verse that we like when we talk on phone.
Amazing – not the sex or no-sex thingy – but I wonder if you would have been allowed to show the same interest in his religion as he has done in yours. So funny this one-way expectancy when it comes to relations with muslimah Indonesian girls.
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Hey ya all, Im new and I think this is the longest subject on this site.
So then Im gonna read it all then it looks interesting- takes time tho.
Interesting indeed and great stuff as a research base for a novel.
Maybe a hint for those contributors here with literary pretensions.
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@ brian
you sound like a lesbian to me!
Because i decide not to do sex with my ex bule bf doesn’t mean i am a lesbian, that’s quite.. shallow minded… and very wrong.
I will know if he tell me, that’s the rule. And he did. I did the same thing. I tell him i went out with guys, my friends, what i am doing, and so does he. Whats the point of LDR if you can’t trust?
I don’t want to know from anybody else that’s what i want to say. If we can’t continue the relationship, we should tell each other. If we find someone else, and we feel more happy with that person, we will tell too. That’s what happened. We did this every day, tell what happened to us, who we meet, things that excited and so on, just being honest to each other. Its not a relationship if you start to lie from beginning.
@ ET
He admit not a religious person, and x-mast only a family gathering, dinner, exchange presents for his family. His parent not going to church and he barely remember his last mass. I am not telling him to follow my belief. He found it out more while he went to Indonesia about moslem girls not allowed to marry guys from other beliefs. Also he had an uncle that convert to moslem after sent to Afganistan, and his family all right with islam.Sure i ask him about his religion. He was born christian. But not a true follower. We talk over bible and qur’an its basically the same thing. He send me a copy of his bible in english verse (very good one with soft brown leather cover), and i send him qur’an in english verse. He kept it, and i kept his bible, he put a mark on this definition of love.. which is i think very romantic (i think its from… sorry if i am wrong… Corinthians 13:4-8) rather than sending some quote from other people. I am that open minded.
So, me, the indonesian moslem girl, is not the first moslem woman he ever know in his life. He knows all the consequences before he ask me to be his gf… and first thing i don’t expect-beg-seduce him to be my BF on first place. He ask me.
So… why you made it sound ….wrong??
I am sure i am not the only one who had this experience. I know there are many indonesian moslem woman marry or had same relationship just like mine too.
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ohh.. for anyone who might not know the verse from bible that i am talking about:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.yupp.. its very romantic i think, love never fails… i read that and feel so warm.
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So… why you made it sound ….wrong??
I made it sound wrong because I find this entire murtad (apostasy) drama disgusting. Religion – at least for Westerners nowadays – is personal and no one, family, friends, neighbourhood nor comminity has the right to interfere. But all I hear about mixed marriages in Indonesia is pressure put on the kafir to convert, as if the muslims think they have a special right to do so.
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Odinius says:
wow, this thread is STILL going? it’s like a perpetual motion machine!
Some simple rules:
*Marry whomever you want, and whoever wants you.
*If you need your spouse to convert, ask them. Be prepared for a “no.”
*If you think all religions are essentially the same, embrace the idea of a cross-faith marriage.
*If your spouse needs you to convert, but you are uncomfortable with it to the point where you simply cannot abide by the idea, be honest from the get-go and move on.
*If you think all religions are essentially the same, and are fine with converting, go ahead…because it really doesn’t make a difference to you. -
@ ET
Everybody had their own opinion, i do respect yours.But all I hear about mixed marriages in Indonesia is pressure put on the kafir to convert, as if the muslims think they have a special right to do so.
….sound like i did something like put a razor blade on my ex-bf neck and said “convert!! or you will die now!” hahaha… it is funny !! or maybe brainwash method, to convert a bule? is that what you think? hehehe (see my eyes, and you will forget that you don’t believe in anything but Islam! L.O.L).
People had their own choice (especially bule, had more liberal thoughts). I don’t think anyone like the pressure of being into a relationship. My ex, could easily leave, and look for another girl. But he realize the choice, made his own, why i should feel bad about it?? he is a grown up, educated adult man.
You can’t push someone to believe in same thing like yours just like that. And i don’t like push him to do things that he don’t like. Cause i know it wont end up good anyway.
But all I hear about mixed marriages in Indonesia is pressure put on the kafir to convert, as if the muslims think they have a special right to do so.
I could see it this way. If i am the one who convert to his religion/belief, which is christian, i bet you wont say anything… right?? no acquisition etc.
Catholic can’t marry a protestant (other than catholic) as i learn somewhere, at least in Indonesia. The couple have to convert to catholic too. So whats all about that? do you think they have the right to do so?
Its because the whole converting to islam idea that seemed made you……mad 😀
religion – at least for Westerners nowadays – is personal and no one, family, friends, neighbourhood nor comminity has the right to interfere
Agree !!
(sorry about the SARA things on my comment Mr Moderator)
@ Odinius
Good advise !!!
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Catholic can’t marry a protestant (other than catholic) as i learn somewhere, at least in Indonesia. The couple have to convert to catholic too. So whats all about that? do you think they have the right to do so?
They can, the Catholic church in Indonesia is fine with ‘mixed religion’ marriages, whether with a protestant (me for example, I did it), or even a Muslim (I know of one example of a bule Catholic man marrying an Indonesian muslim in a catholic church in surabaya (they’re divorced now!), although I guess the state wouldn’t recognise it in that latter case and I rather doubt that it’s at all common). Traditionally though you’re right, the Catholic church in other countries I think didn’t allow mixed marriages, maybe in Indonesia as well, but in Indonesia I think they’re pretty liberal about these things now, as they are about a few other things, like contraception, divorce, etc.
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@ farah
or maybe brainwash method, to convert a bule?
No need for brainwashing, Farah. Once the poor sucker is c*struck he’ll do anything to get there, even convert to the religion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. We have certain examples here in IM, haven’t we.
*Sigh
I could see it this way. If i am the one who convert to his religion/belief, which is christian, i bet you wont say anything… right?? no acquisition etc.
Wrong. I would react just the same unless it would be because of your personal conviction. It’s the self-evident attitude of muslims demanding conversion to marry one of their own which I find appalling. It smells of a certain agenda.
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Oigal says:
even convert to the religion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Of course, if the conviction is about the same as your membership to the Phantom Club then who cares. Nagh Nagh had my fingers crossed sort of thing.
I spent considerable amount of my youth in a “boys town” sort of environment, we soon learnt that different religions got differing times off “chores” to attend various religious activities. Didn’t take a a few of us long, to manipulate the system, to ensure we were part of whatever bunch of snake worshippers to ensure a free Sunday or Saturday or…
Funnily enough, only once in many attempts did our changable “habits” bring us unstuck. Amazing what you can get away with when on a “Mission from God”
Yea yea…I know ..I’m going to hell 🙂
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Patung said:
They can, the Catholic church in Indonesia is fine with ‘mixed religion’ marriages, whether with a protestant (me for example, I did it), or even a Muslim (I know of one example of a bule Catholic man marrying an Indonesian muslim in a catholic church in surabaya (they’re divorced now!), although I guess the state wouldn’t recognise it in that latter case and I rather doubt that it’s at all common). Traditionally though you’re right, the Catholic church in other countries I think didn’t allow mixed marriages, maybe in Indonesia as well, but in Indonesia I think they’re pretty liberal about these things now, as they are about a few other things, like contraception, divorce, etc.
Before Vatican II in 1965, the Catholic Church absolutely opposed mixed marriages. It was also officially opposed to both market economics and political democracy.
All that changed, which is evidence that any religious tradition can evolve, given the right circumstances and the will of its leaders.
One of the things that changed was the official policy towards mixed marriages. Now the church is officially okay with them provided that children are raised Catholic.
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My friend, a Catholic Indonesian female married a Malay guy. They got married twice. First she converted and did the Islamic marriage. Few days later she got married in Catholic church, while the guy didn’t need to convert.
She admited that she never really converted, it was an agreement between her and the husband to convert on the paper to make their life easier there in Malay. The kids will be raised as Moeslim, but she goes to church every Sunday.
She’s my bestfriend but I was like… whatever.
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andy says:
Who pay the nanny?? Mr bule the hubby of course (as i assume these lady who had time to enjoy them self is not working). If he agree to pay, means he know the consequences, right?
No, i’m talking about Indonesian couples, not those with bules (why do we keep using this racist term). Indonesians seem to love having kids and showing them off to people but they don’t like the responsibility that comes with it hence the need for nannies. I despise those who parade their nannies and kids around malls. I’m surprised they can remember all their kid’s names. Also farah, are you suggesting Indonesian women are ony after the dollar bills of bules? Hopefuly for the sake of me and other guys you are wrong.
Jen, my apologies. I wasn’t trying to be rude as Patung suggested. I liked the story but went on a bit thats all. Patung i’ll try to be well mannered and follow the example set by some of our other posters like timdog and cukurungan ok?
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timdog says:
Patung/Odinius – I’ve always thought that the Indonesian Catholic church, and the general outlook of many Javanese Catholics at least is admirable. In Javanese Catholic families I know very well there is absolutely none of the atmosphere of crushing negativity still exuded by a few segments of the Scots-Irish Catholic bit of my own family. Do you think this has anything to do with the fact that for Javanese Catholics the religion has absolutely no role as a racial/national/cultural proxy (as it most certainly does with “Irish” outside the Republic, and in many other European cases)…
On the mixed marriages though, is it not the case that they’re reluctant to allow the child to be Catholic if the marriage wasn’t? Entirely out of idle interest, but I seem to remember someone saying something of the kind…
On the debate above about “why is it the bule man who alway has to convert?”
Well, not entirely, and not always, but surely at least in part because while religion, religious identity – and hell, in some cases even religious belief! – are perhaps more likely to be of significance to the “Indonesian girl” (whichever faith), for the “bule” these things are probably less likely to matter and… shit, I’ll stop myself; I was about to start being nasty again – this thread always has that effect on me. What I shall say instead is he may well consider “converting” just to make marriage possible no big deal… -
Goddess_in_paradise says:
Indonesians seem to love having kids and showing them off to people but they don’t like the responsibility that comes with it hence the need for nannies. I despise those who parade their nannies and kids around malls.
Spot on.
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I’ve always thought that the Indonesian Catholic church, and the general outlook of many Javanese Catholics at least is admirable. In Javanese Catholic families I know very well there is absolutely none of the atmosphere of crushing negativity still exuded by a few segments of the Scots-Irish Catholic bit of my own family. Do you think this has anything to do with the fact that for Javanese Catholics the religion has absolutely no role as a racial/national/cultural proxy (as it most certainly does with “Irish” outside the Republic, and in many other European cases)…
Yes, I have a good impression of it as well, I know an awful lot of nuns now, some of my in-laws are nuns, quite nice people generally, some of the priests I’m less keen on but the one who married us is a great guy (from Flores). The celibacy thing I can’t get my head around, I suppose it is possible for some men, but I can’t help being cautious about leaving kids in the company of celibate priests (there you go Diego, I’ve saved you the trouble of making an idiotic comment there).
No one called me out on the ‘liberal on contraception’ thing because it’s not the same as allowing mixed marriages, which is formal, institutional approval, but it’s sort of on the right track becuase I get the impression an awful lot of Indonesian catholics, and even some of those in cloth, have no idea that contraception isn’t allowed. So I guess the senior levels of the church make no effort to educate the flock in that area, possibly due to Suharto era government pressure, don’t know.
One exception was the day long orientation thing when we were getting married, god it was boring, I managed to get in at least at good hour’s sleep, just sat there snoring away and the woman whose job it was to make sure noone slunk away early gave the filthiest look when I woke up..anyway pretty sure they made some mention of natural family planning then, but I don’t think it’s high on their agenda generally (they also showed ‘The Silent Scream’ which for those who don’t know is an old anti-abortion documentary with Ronald Reagan in it, I’m not saying anything, I’d just never seen it…).
One of the things that changed was the official policy towards mixed marriages. Now the church is officially okay with them provided that children are raised Catholic.
Yes, not sure if they mentioned that to me, and that’s the way it has turned out, and you did say ‘official policy’ but I suppose once you’ve got the paper it’s up to you what to do.
As an aside no one made any mention to me about converting which was fortunate becuase my father was semi-horrified at the thought of it, pretty funny if you think about it considering it’s indonesia and I could well have gone in an entirely different direction….
On the mixed marriages though, is it not the case that they’re reluctant to allow the child to be Catholic if the marriage wasn’t? Entirely out of idle interest, but I seem to remember someone saying something of the kind…
I don’t know sorry.
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but the one who married us is a great guy (from Flores).
Patung, I’m not trying to trick you into outing yourself (especially now that I know you’re everyone anyway),but which church would that happen to have been? I know there are more than a few Floresian priests in town, but there’s one church I’ve had occasion to go to from time to time where the Floresian priest has always struck me as a very nice guy, and whose sermons are actually good (well, as good as sermons can be – I don’t usually fall asleep anyway). Now wouldn’t it be a coincidence if it was the same one? 😉
my father was semi-horrified at the thought of it
Now, how would Patung Père have taken it if you had gone in that other direction?
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timdog said
What I shall say instead is he may well consider “converting” just to make marriage possible no big deal…
Sure. Like paying a dowry. Or a ransom.
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Had to come back on this because literally a couple of minutes ago I had a very interesting conversation (I am, to explain, sitting in a guesthouse cafe in Beijing trying to read all the news from the time I was behind the internet firewall in Xinjiang, while drinking coffee and chatting sh*t with randoms at the same time; it is absolutely freezing here and I’ll be very happy to get back to Indonesia shortly)…
Anyway, this elderly Dutch man overheard me talking to the waitress about something and chipped in:
“Indonesia? My first wife was from Indonesia…” He married her a long, long time ago, and sadly she died young – in the mid-1960s; this guy was old, but very cool…
“Where was she from?” I asked. She was from Jakarta; she was Javanese. She had a vaguely Dutch name. “So was she Catholic?” I asked.
“Oh, she wasn’t anything, friend, like me, no interest in religion.”
“But her family, I mean; she must have been technically something – Muslim or Christian or Catholic…”
He looked at me in genuine confusion. He had absolutely no idea whatsoever. He had three children with this woman… They met and married in Holland, but still – how cool is that?ET – they’ve come to Indonesia; they’re grateful for having found themselves a woman (or, if I’m not being nasty, they are deeply in love, and are decent, culturally sensitive people who acknowledge that religious identity has a certain importance for the woman and her family, and that as a globalised “westerner” who has come to Indonesia, the onus for “adaptation” is on them, not on her), and recognise that as they have basically no religious sensitivities or identity themselves, it’s going to be less traumatic for all concerned if they make the “paper conversion” rather than making a fuss.
I happen to know an Australian woman married to a Balinese man. She “converted” to Hinduism and they live in Bali. Do you also have a problem with that? -
@Andy
There’s no need to appologize. I felt stupid for writing it, like I need to prove something. Like I didn’t have much more important thing to do 😀 .
Or maybe I just need to learn how to write. Maybe anyone here could teach me how to write. Not that you guys don’t have more important things to do :p
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mmm Farah read my post again. I’m married. I’m speaking for all people generally not just myself. Anyway I don’t see marriage as the ultimate commitment, that is parenthood. You can ask anyone who has had kids about that. 24/7 commitment required by two people. Not all are capable which shows what a difficult task it is. This is for another post (which is on another page here) but many Indonesians are not up to this task as they palm their kids off to nannies while going off enjoying themselves.
Nice story Jen but shorter is sweeter okay?
Diego……put a sock in it, you are boring and not engaging the debate like the others have here.