Dating Indonesian Girls
Apr 4th, 2006, in Society, by PatungDating Indonesian women may not be for everyone.
Indonesian women, particularly on the island of Java, are exceptionally beautiful. They tend towards the very feminine side, with lovely skin, are not too tall, and have knock-out smiles. There’s plenty of plus on that side of things.
If wer’e to be honest we have to recognise that many men are interested in a woman who will take care of him, do the housework without complaint, and take care of other matters similarly without much bother. Your average Indonesian girl often fits the bill in this respect, certainly more than your average western woman, the less said about them the better.
On the other hand going out with Indonesian women in a romantic way can have many mysterious pitfalls.
Some women here are clearly only interested in money. Some men are unbothered by this. Others of the female variety, can, once we get to know them very well, come across as practically insane, hysterically emotional, scheming, over-possessive, inclined to, usually fake, attempts at self-harm in order to get their way. As I said, not for the faint-hearted.
There are a few Indonesia dating websites although the area is not nearly as developed as that in nearby Phillipines or Thailand. To begin your online journey on the Indonesian dating scene our very own “Meet” section has many a lady eager for company.
4,898 Comments on “Dating Indonesian Girls”
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RJ80 says:
hey bonni I guess I was cussing too much sorry about that, just basically want to scream out loud right now. You really think it’s that big a deal about letting us share a room? I always had the idea it was special rules for the bule, like her sister has a serious local boyfriend but he’s never allowed to stay in the house (sister gets kinda pissed about that like how come bule’s allowed to stay but my guys not). And she was never allowed to stay overnight at my place, holidays fine but not staying at my place cos that would look bad. more Indonesia hypocrisy. yeah maybe I’m tarring everyone with one brush but honestly the more i think about it the m,ore it seems pretty normal for Indonesia like I got all the office gossip from her and about her friends, also ‘good girls’ middle class educated some muslim some christian. basically seems like the ones that aren’t married by 25 get pretty chaotic, all her buddies like that are in bad relationships, guys their parents don’t accept cos of religion or some shit, older guys who are ‘separated’ from wife and kids but never really gonna divorce, guys who cheat like evry week, or they got two guys on the go can’t choose which one end up with the bad one. can’t believe i was so dumb to think she was different from that. looking back on it my chick might have been bad but don’t think she’s totally unusual for indonesia judging by her buddies. one things for sure indonesians guys and girls don’t put anything like as much value on repsect and truth and being faithful in a relationship as we do in the west that’s why I’m so pissed about the way her family (who were awesome to me) are judging me now. seriously how often do people talk in indonesia about how it’s all ‘free sex’ in the west and the west’s ‘not moral’. need to look in their own mirror. how about all the housewifes in bali now getting HIV from their husbands how about all the prostitution how about all the cheating shit in every office. should have listened to the old guys married to prostitutes when i first arrived in jkt.
But thanks for the support, terima kasih!, i guess i will get over it one day but wouldnt touch another indonesian girl if you paid me (sorry i guess you’re an indonesian girl too, not tarring you with that brush, i guess you’re a real good one but think I’m gonna stick to countries where ‘serious’ means being faithful and not cheating instead of just ‘getting married soon but still sleeping with every other guy/girl who flirts with you’. -
franky says:
Hi all,
I was Reading this thread over the last days and laughed a lot.
Especially Bailey’s poet is funny and interesting.However my overall impression reading this all (actually not all 145 pages), there is no real positive connection and understanding between foreigners and locals. This is not what I expected given my own experience in Indonesia, so I wonder….am I so wrong????
I am from Holland and I travel a lot all around the world for my work. Mostly Europe, Africa and the America’s. Never to Asia, until a few years ago when I first came here.
Asia never really attracted me before, but that changed when I first came here.
I am travelling here about every month now, and stay for a few weeks each time.
Vietnam, Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia, China, Taiwan, Korea, Japan, India etc.Especially Indonesia is fantastic in my opinion.
The local people are fantastic: happy, sincere, smart, sensitive, funny and beautiful.
And also the professional level of the people I deal with is above my expectations.
And then the country nature and history off course is soo interesting
I really never expected that.When I came to JKT the first time was overwhelming.
After work and in weekends off course enjoyed the food, the places and attention of local people.
Sincere attention from parents wanting to take picture with me and their children And also off course the attention from beautiful girls in clubs and resto’s. With the attention of the girls there is the difference between professional interest and sincere interest. It takes some time but it is not hard to notice and understand this difference. And its fun to learn……By now I have some good friends in Indonesia and enjoy our times together a lot.
I believe as long as you are honest and respectful there will always be a match, no matter how far away two cultures are. By now, every time when I arrive in JKT, it feels like coming home.
There are just a few places in this world where I feel the same.
Whether I am alone, with locals or with other foreigners, it doesn’t matter.
Always feel comfortable and have a good time.Some comments in the thread I understand, and I would also feel like that if I look at behaviour of certain foreigners. But the same I can say about certain locals. But these are exceptions.
That is why I do not recognise the distance and misunderstanding between foreigners and locals as described in many of the stories. How funny some of these may be.
And I am really curious for positive experiences.Any?
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franky I can tell you for like five years I was talking exactly like you, laughing at the old dudes in the bars stuck in Indonesia and hating Indonesia, laughing at the guys talking trash about Indonesian girls. I thought like you, I’d found a great girl, been basically adopted by an awesome Indo family, got to see family life, hung out mostly with Indonesian people, traveled around, loved it loved the people. started to see the warning signs behind the smiles like how happy family life isnt really so happy, like EVERY married man cheating using prostitutes, like unmarried 25plus girls living in chaos, every office chaos of cheating, everyone only cares about ‘face’ in family and relationships, everyone obsessed about money and status. Still ignored it cos I thought I’d got something special, still laughing at at the complaining expats but all the while I was riding straight to hell with my eyes wide shut. I’ve always been a liberal modern openminded guy but these days I see the line about Indonesias smiles only skin deep is totally true. This country is totally f*cked (sorry bonni!)
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bonni says:
Franky,
I did read some good stories in this thread… 🙂
RJ80,
It’s ok you don’t have to say sorry all the time lol I wish you goodluck with your choice.
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Patrick says:
Time to repost again after being buried in the archives for the past few years.
Patrick Says:
October 21st, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Indonesian Girls! Composed 10/21/08
I met a girl in Surabaya
She told me to come on give her a try a!
But it soon became clear she was a liar!
She loved all the guys as she was on fire
You got the money she was for hire
That girl had insatiable desireTook a plane back to Jakarta
Where the girls are so much smarter
They work hard all the day long
But at night is when they come on strong
Come on take a chance and take the money right out of your pants
Girls from Jakarta know the game of romanceFound myself in Medan
Met a girl from there who didn’t give a damn
Love me all night but all day all she wanted to do was fight
Treated me like I was a walking ATM
Took my all my money till I had none
Looked me in the eye and said hey bule we are doneHopped a boat to Bantam
Met a crazy girl there named Sam
Took me to my hotel for a wham bam thank you mam
Asked me to take her to the mall
She Left me there for some guy named Paul
Checked my pockets but no money even for a phone callFound myself in Bali
Introduced myself to a girl named Salley
Said she would be my personal guide
Guys let me tell you no kidding aside
That girl knew everyone and all the best places to go
It never occurred to me she was really a ho’(Chorus)
The girls of Indonesia love to dance! dance! dance!
Come on man take a chance! chance! chance!
Best girls in the world for romance
Just as long as you can pay! pay! pay!
Love you all night and play the rest of the day
Just as long as you can pay! pay! pay! -
ET says:
@ RJ80 & Babalouie
To marry outside your own race or culture is asking for trouble. It may work out well but the odds are against you. One partner will always stick out like a sour thumb in his/her new environment.
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Babalouie says:
Dear ET: I have to agree that marrying a foreign spouse is another obstacle to a successful marriage and family. However in my case my ex’s personality and lack of loyalty was the deciding factor.
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Nay says:
Have to say that RJ80 broke one of the cardinal rules of dating women:- NEVER set yourself up as the “provider”
As soon as you start marriage talk with your Indonesian girlfriend, watch her legs close and her general intimacy become colder. Oh sure, she’s all smiles and all friendly with you, but you’ll notice yourself becoming somewhat frustrated by her lack of sexual interest. She’s “holding back” waiting for her marriage pay-day… and isn’t going to wreck it now!
You’re best positioning yourself as the one-track-minded bule “keong racun”… because that way she can only have sex you or not. No need for her to lead you on, manipulate you, or try your patience.
Thing is, getting married changes NOTHING in the dynamic of any relationship. “How you begin is how you end up” as somebody wiser than me once said…. and “Difficult women stay difficult” in the words of another.
I also have a chuckle about the sexual hypocracy in Indonesia as well. How somehow “Free sex” and “prostitution” are somehow both evil, it’s a wonder anyone has sex at all, right? Well of course they do, because people are human and need to get off. Human beings aren’t monogamous, and trying to be only causes unnecessary frustration…. hence the symptomatic availability of prostitutes.
Additionally, all the rules and social barriers that aim to prevent men and women hooking up, (such as the no non-married couples rules in kos-kosan, and Indonesian women’s avoidance of entering hotels/apartments together with you) actually HELP you get laid. Just go through the motions with your lady friend and play her game, because with all these rules and stigmas hanging over her head and everyone… NOBODY will suspect a thing when she actually DOES decide to put herself in a position to get her rocks off. Is it annoying and dysfunctional? Absolutely… but when in Rome (or Jakarta in this case…)
….and yes, it’s always those blasted “good girls”. At least the so called “bad girls” are honest.
…and you’re still in your thirties. Men get more attractive as they get older. To say that you’re past your prime is ridiculous. Thing is, even in western countries, the women cheat about as much if not more than anywhere else in the world. The idea of a couple being loyal and faithful forever is a Disney sponsored pipe-dream which, much like communism, sounds good on paper but doesn’t work in a practical sense.
The truth is that nature needs to fool men and women into making babies. Once that is achieved, your relationship has run it’s course…. and if that’s not being achieved, you never even had a relationship.
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Timdog of course should be hitched naked behind this old buffalo thread and dragged naked across the nation Kampung to Kampung just for prodding it awake again.
To marry outside your own race or culture is asking for trouble. It may work out well but the odds are against you. One partner will always stick out like a sour thumb in his/her new environment.
Wow, sounds seriously bitter there ET, perhaps its time to move out of Bali its just a construct of bizarre myths from abroad anyway. Personally I could not imagine anything worse than still being hitched one of those pasty, overweight, vapid creatures haunting the shopping centres of the West. I barely escaped with my testicles intact the first time (lost everything else tho, so much for it is just those Indonesian girls who skin you alive).
Personally, I love the honesty here. You know its about money, she knows its about money and game on. Love and family may well follow but security is the lynch pin. As I think it was TD pointed out, once you get over the dreamtime “love in the tropics” fantasy, you have a better chance here of a successful partnership than anywhere else. One thing is for certain that old stand by in West “If you don’t do what I want there is no sex for you” doesn’t work here. As the standard response would be “suit yourself, I am going out for a nanosecond” Which is about how long it will take to find her replacement for the evening.
This of course brings us to the next point, when will Indonesians stop uttering this complete nonsense about being against “free sex” and no sex before marriage? Damn the place is literally dripping with it all the time and with all the people. Oh and by the way, if anything it is the foreigners generally who are restrained.
Curiously, for all the indignant howls of morality it seems the higher the pretense of religious morality, the more the people get at it like rabbits on Viagra. I would suggest Indonesia, Philippines, Thailand and Malaysia as the most obvious examples of laughable public morality (for want of a better word).
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nay you got the wrong idea she totally never withheld sex, to be honest she wanted all the time right up to the end she was always looking for intimacy. i never understood this stuff you hear about indonesian girls withholding it waiting for marriage etc, you totally wrong about that one. but no way is the cheating as bad in the west, yeah maybe with trailer trash jerry springer folks, but middle class indonesias heaps worse than middle class west. middle class indonesia = jerry springer folks in the west. yeah i get what you’re saying 30s not past it but in mid 20s you can still go out hook up with college chicks, everyone I know back homes moved on now, got careers if they’re still dating it’s serious dating, more ‘mature’. that’s what i want now not more indonesian hypocrisy. where the f*ck do i start?
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Oigal
Wow, sounds seriously bitter there ET, perhaps its time to move out of Bali its just a construct of bizarre myths from abroad anyway.
My remark didn’t have anything to do with me living in Bali. But I’ve been following this thread from the beginning and without putting the blame on anyone I could only come to the conclusion that as far as mixed relationships (so-called serious ones) are concerned the odds are against them. Whatever some may think of this thread as something of an old buffalo, it may provide enough inspiration to make any Indo sinetron cry mama.
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thanks for letting me know Bonni. Will take more time to read them.
And RJ80, I am not laughing at others. Sorry if I give that impression.
my view and experience is just different. So different that I am wondering.Hey about yr story, you keep it quite general.
It seems you had a positive connection which turned into negative, for some reason.
What happened? Sorry if I am too curious 🙂
just wanna learn and understand this.
Because looking at the tendency of this thread I am having different experience.
And good to learn from other’s experiences.Thanks
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sorry RJ80. Forget my former post.
Of all pages I missed the one you explained your story.
i understand now where you’re coming from.
Sorry for what happened to you.
Wish you luck in finding your match.Leaves me still wondering though.
Did you meet ‘hot’ local office chick that exist all over the worlld?
Or is this a fine example of how Indonesian girls are in general?Aybody?
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berlian biru says:
To marry outside your own race or culture is asking for trouble. It may work out well but the odds are against you. One partner will always stick out like a sour thumb in his/her new environment.
Absolute. Bollox.
What about marrying outside your own class, or social set, or town, or religion?
I cannot think of anything as utterly boring as cookie-cutter marriages between people of the same class, race, religion, country etc
I mean what the fark do they talk about? No wonder most such marriages break up within seven years.
Boredom is the biggest killer in any relationship and one thing about bule/Indonesian marriages; they ain’t never boring.
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nay you got the wrong idea she totally never withheld sex, to be honest she wanted all the time right up to the end she was always looking for intimacy. i never understood this stuff you hear about indonesian girls withholding it waiting for marriage etc, you totally wrong about that one.
Must just be my experience then. When I was considering marriage with a few of them, they were all happy to see me, but seemed to avoid physical intimacy… acting like dead fish, and only using intimacy when they wanted to in order to get a desired result from me (but no sex). Despite all the sweet words, I sensed something very wrong, and I could see a future of sex-withholding coming up so I ditched them.
Mind you, that was some time ago. I wouldn’t bother considering marriage now!
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What about marrying outside your own class, or social set, or town, or religion?
I don’t know if there are statistics available about the chances of survival of mixed marriages. Call me conservative but common sense dictates that a common background will yield a higher rate of success. The biggest problems with mixed marriages between people from different races and cultures are the lifelong encoded sets of values and the acceptance of the newcomer in the social group. In the end one party will have to sacrifice and that’s when trouble usually starts.
Of course there is no general rule but to be blind for the obvious is equally bollox. -
agan says:
RJ you are not any different then with an ignoramus Indo who -after watching Jerry Springer show -think that all bule are the same i.e. : bigot/racist rednecks or jiggy jig bogans who either have obese girlfriends or committing social no no’s like incest or a pedo when they were single.
But you don’t paint all your fellow Canadians with the same fugly big wide brush with ten foot pole, don’t you?And in case you don’t get the memo (from Bonni or Deta) rest assured that being 30ish may be over the hill in Canada but certainly not in Indo.
So please give it a second chance big guy and come back to Indo soon you hear.PS I spoke to Elvis recently and he said:
“Are You Lonesome Tonight? do you gaze at your bald head and wished you had hair.” -
But you don’t paint all your fellow Canadians with the same fugly big wide brush with ten foot pole, don’t you?
agan, the guy has been hurt and feels desperate. Let him get it off his chest.
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conmonnn ……….
30 over the top, merriage outside yr own class less sucessfull?
Staistics???Is there nobody with pragmatic feedback and/or positive experience.
i mean exxperi
ene with dating. And by dating I mean going out.
Having fun, getting closer and start grow a relationship. if sex or friendsip is the side effect so be it.
i miss the dates with positive result…….Having loads of sex with multiple beauties is fun, everywhere.
but reading the stories even this seems to be not enjoyable by the participants.Sorry because I dont wanna make anyone feel bad. But is it just me thatI wanna see the sunny side of this topic?
Thanks for yr comments
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stevo says:
I seem to recall reading that American mixed marriages tended to be more successful, not less. Particulary European men with Asian women. Based on my own observation I tend to agree.
This annoys the liberated harpies of the [English speaking] West no end. There is one thing they like less than Asians, that is happy men.
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stevo
I seem to recall reading that American mixed marriages tended to be more successful, not less. Particulary European men with Asian women. Based on my own observation I tend to agree.
My observations point to the contrary. I know several men in my home country who had married women from overseas cultures that after a couple of years ended in separation or divorce basically because the women couldn’t adapt to their new environment. In many cases the woman went back home because she felt uprooted, got the cold shoulder from other women and ended up staying alone at home while hubby was at work. Language barriers may also play an important role. Things however might turn out different if the newcomer has the necessary education and skills to integrate in his/her new environment and take up a business or career. Nevertheless there are still myriads of pitfalls that lie beyond the expectancies of those who seek romance in unfamiliar territories. I believe the testimonies in this thread provide ample evidence. But of course one may still hit the jackpot even if the odds are against it.
As more men tend to look for partners abroad the risk of failed relationships with all the dire consequences has also grown accordingly. This has lead immigration officials to become stringently difficult in allowing ‘love’ visa’s. My wording of ‘sticking out like a sour thumb’ may sound a bit harsh but when push comes to shove many would have preferred to have their asses kicked rather than having to sit on the blisters. (_#_)
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In reply to an earlier post my Indonesian ex adapted well to American society. Even though she is very dark (when people asked where she was from would say she was Asian) she had lots of friends, both American and International. Her English is pretty good and she is an extrovert (unlike me). We had parties and went out frequently. So an inability to adapt to her new environment was not the cause of her infidelity.
Instead, her basic character and lack of fidelity – even with children – was the cause of our breakup. She was and is an angry, selfish person (and the mother of my kids). So Expats invloved with “easy women” beware – easy come, easy go.
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Hi All,
Sorry to bother you.
The title of this thread atrracted me as if I could learn something form others on dating experience with Indonesian Girls.Maybe I am in the worng thread but it is going on and on about the several pittfalls and I am just looking for the bridges to overcome these pittfalls.
I asked for a few times for this and sorry if I am not clear enough in this.
I spend much time in understanding some heavy polemics occurring in this thread some months ago. But really dont get it.Just wanna know if there are people with positive experience of inter ‘whatever’ experience of foreign with local people.
If not, fine, I will leave you to discuss what you are discussing and look for other source of information.
please don’t feel offended.
Stevo, I can imagine where you coming from. I admire your point of view and your ability to poke others.
Bonni, you’re a good balance to these guys. Though wonder how come you state things as you state them.
ET, surely don’t understand what you are doing. Your topics and span of attention dont make sense to me.
Nay, what can I say. You practise your Englisch. Which is good, and plus is you seem to understand what the thread is about.
BB, ya you are right!
Oigall, wow nice pic there. Like the moustache and your verbal conquest to Stevo. Must say that you won.
And last but not least, although I hate it that I cannot mention everybody…..JJ80 (or something). You must be very young to be naive such as you are. Dont worry this will wear and you will gain some tolerance against these kind of burden. Then you will be able to see what is important for you. Wonder why you need platform like this to express your worries. I hope my kids will come to me to talk about such questions and topics of life…… -
Oh yea and Babaloui…..
Forgot to mention you.
Why you would say:
‘So an inability to adapt to her new environment was not the cause of her infidelity.’Just intriged by that.
Thanks for letting me know.
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ET, I find myself largely agreeing with your summary.
In my experience, the successful ones tend to be outgoing and intelligent women, who have a few people around them from their native culture. They tend to fit in well and can deal with the (often subtle) racism they encounter. In short, they are women who feel like they have choices and their own identity, while being part of a wider community. Put that way, it is not much different from marriages generally.
Oigall, wow nice pic there. Like the moustache and your verbal conquest to Stevo. Must say that you won.
Franky; thanks for taking the time to keep score, if I knew it was a competition I would have tried harder 😉
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Dating Indonesian girls is not that different from dating Western girls. Foreigners in Indonesia have the temporary advantage of being relatively wealthy by local standards and somewhat exotic. From a local girls perspective marying a bule provides the opportunity to live overseas, an opportuntiy otherwise unlikely for working class girls or those from poor families.
However personality and character are the real determining factors of the success of a relationship. If the man/woman are compatable and adaptable, the relationship will survive. If the pair is not compatable, the relationship won’t survive. This is what matters in the long run. Marrying a foreigner only adds another obstacle to existing problems faced by all couples. Enough said – Happy hunting!
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Time to throw another 2 cents in.
Is anyone surprised to find that many mixed marriages end up in trouble when the couple relocate back to the husbands (in most cases) home country. Damn that not the fault of the Indonesian lass, that is just plain selfish on the part of the guy. How thick would you be not have grasped the importance of family and the touchy feely part of Indonesian culture. To expect someone to adapt to the nuclear family of the West is frankly a big and unreasonable call. Let’s face it, if the highlight of her life is once a week sexual conquest by Mr. Baldy on struggle street USA then yup things are gunna get ugly.
Let’s be honest, the expatriate should know better, he knows what the situation is, if anyone is selling a dodgy bill of goods it’s the expat. Generally speaking, in Indonesia he is on the top tier of earners and plenty of disposable income. A active social life and important in his own if insular circles. Once back to the home country, all to often just another struggling bogan with very small group of usually world ignorant friends and no disposal income for those big night outs. Sheesh and guys complain about push up bras being false advertising.
However, if you are prepared to understand the back ground of the girl you marry then you can have a life that leaves any western marriage for dead.
Oh and thanks Franky…The picture really is me :-))
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Yep…..I am often appalled at how little consideration some men have of their partners culture.
A common complaint is when they send money home to the family, even if they were doing so (from their own pockets) before they met. It is all to often seen as the woman using the man and referred to in a snide and demeaning way by the locals in her adobted country. I can think of many other examples.
A bit of basic consideration would go a long way, as would taking a genuine interest in the lady, beyond the bedroom. There are many Western men who see Asian women as something they can shape into what ever they want. They underestimate them greatly and it is no surprise their marriages fail. However, would the marriage work any better if they tried the same approach with a Western girl…..?
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Oh and thanks Franky…The picture really is me
Stop flirting with him Oigal !
It takes more than an enticing moustache to make a relationship work. (I suggest you boys stay away from Aceh btw)
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Take or borrow, beg or steal
No matter what’s in store
The heart’s a lonely hunter
Never satisfied, always more
*Why should I wait until tomorrow?
I’ve already been
I’ve already seen
All the sorrow that’s in store
But if I beg steal or borrow
Just to hold on tighter
To all the sorrow
Tries to chaw
If I change my tune
Maybe well I won’t be bound to doom
* Babyshambles ‘Beg Steal and Borrow’