Achmad’s Christmas Tips on Insulting People.

Achmad’s Christmas Tips on Insulting People

Dear Friends,

For this twin season of Idul Adha and Christmas, I thought I’d share with you a few secrets of the ancient art of insults.

We all need to let of steam every now and then.

What better way than insulting a complete stranger? What better forum than the internet?

After a long, stressful day in the Kampung waiting for your wife to get home from the rice fields, you can rip a few insults on some unsuspecting netizen, safe in anonymity.

The skill, of course, lies in winding people up and taunting them to the point they lose it, ideally going ballistic, through making stupid, even idiotic comments. Achmad has succeeded many, many times, Friend.

Firstly, it helps to maintain some semblance of sanity and intelligence. If people think you are simply insane or stupid beyond belief, they are less likely to take your insults and taunting seriously.

But you also need to appear infuriatingly thick at times. This, of course, prevents too much ill will by undermining the power of your insults.

Here are some general principles.

1. Name calling.

This is the most primitive and childish, but can be a lot of fun. In this post, some moron got suckered right in and fell for all the old tricks. More on this later.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but your pathetic cowardice in using ‘anonymous’ is possibly matched only by your chronic erectile dysfunction and inability to use a modern toilet. (You probably think we Asians only know how to squat!)

Response:

Let’s get one thing crystal clear “Achmad’ .. I am not your ‘brother’, you filthy little unwashed yellow heathen. Your name even sounds like the noise someone makes when spitting.

If it wasn’t for “white man’s rule” (as you so quaintly put it) you’d still be living in a mud hut having intimate relations with your sister and probably also having an affair with the village goat…Hang on, you’re probably still doing that eh?

Get on your grubby knees you surly flea-ridden dog and praise the “white-man” for all the advantages you know have in your pathetic existence.

As for “white-man” exploiting local girls??..well go and tell their greedy parents to stop selling them into prostitution. Didn’t think of that did you dickhead?

2. Make up wild, unfounded accusations.

It’s best to avoid implying or outright allegations of incest, child molestation, desecration of religious icons. Some things are off limits. But borderline character defamation, especially if it’s coming from a nincompoop, is fine.

In this posting from a year ago, I repeatedly accused Oigal, who seems to be a family man, of groping Blok M bargirls before drinking himself into a vomit-wracked stupor.

Perhaps you’d know that if you weren’t lying face down and semi conscious in a pool of stale Bir Bintang.

That’s what happens if your diet is basically Bir Bintang, chips and meat pies. First your body, then your mind goes.

I offer these thoughts to you as a gift for the New Year, my friend. With luck you won’t chunder them up like last night’s ‘food’.

6:58 PM

and

You were obviously bent prone, slurping up last-night’s Bir Bintang from a dirty puddle in the My Bar toilet at Blok M!

and

(In your case you’d have to sober up, pay the bar girls, and get a few VD shots ahead of time for the trip back through Medan !! :-))

In the same post, I pose as someone else, but call another poster, Steve-at-the-Pub, a “blathering imbecile,” implying that he is a sub-evolved quasi-australopithecus (cave man).

3. Display extreme prejudices, preferably offensive ones, hidden in either pseudo-intellectual banter or polite comments.

Care is needed with this one, which is why I usually stick to insulting the entire race of “White Men”.

That has a kind of faint, cafe-chic “post colonial” air about it and also would get a few nods from the addle-brained post modernists. Amongst earnest Western liberals you can often get a rise by implying that you think either Africans, Australian aborigines (sometimes called Kooris), are at a less evolved state than Asians.

A slight variation is the Pancasila or New Order trick combined with patronising Muslim sexism. This often works like a charm on 20-something Bloggers who think they’re hip. These poor suckers may have grown up or actually had to attend the P-4 indoctrination so they hate it. They also don’t like being reminded of what much of the real Indonesia is like so it makes them really angry.

In one case, I warned one Indonesian woman in her late 20s not to get “over westernised”, and said it was un-Indonesian for a woman to drink and smoke. Finally I told her to “study Pancasila”, and accused her Bule friends of being sex tourists. She got so mad she blocked my IP address and told me to f–k off.

4. Take stupid positions, backtrack, back peddle, and be completely unwilling to concede the point, whilst accusing the other person of doing it.

After repeatedly insulting “Anonymous” I then called on him to maintain decency and proper netiquette. His response:

WTF!!!?????

…”Try to keep your comments polite on this Blog. Mr. Thang likes to maintain a standard of gentlemanly decency, free from insults and innuendo…”

Hahaha!!! Are you for real you cretin!!????.. Have you re-read your own posts???.. hahaha!

Aaaccchhhmmad. You truly are slime of the lowest order.

I know your type well.. bitter and twisted, insanely jealous of whites, realising that you’ll never amount to anything in your own godforsaken country.

What happened?..get refused a visa to come to Australia??…or perhaps a white man rejected your homo advances??. Deep down you really wish you were a white man don’t you Aaaaacchhhmad??

5. Sabotage reasonable discussion threads by trying to drag them into a brawl of name-calling.

At first, this tactic worked beautifully in Indonesia Matters.

Friend, just a few closing thoughts at the end of the week. Soon I’ll be heading for the hills of West Java on the back of my Vespa, ukuele slung across my back. It’s time to head for those rustic places I love the most. I’ll kick back a few teh pocis and perhaps slap the rump of a few passing village girls.

My brothers and sisters in the villages don’t catch all my insults for they are simple folk. But it’s a great environment to dream up a few more barbs.