Insults & Comebacks
Dec 22nd, 2007, in Opinion, by Achmad SudarsonoAchmad’s Christmas Tips on Insulting People.
Achmad’s Christmas Tips on Insulting People
Dear Friends,
For this twin season of Idul Adha and Christmas, I thought I’d share with you a few secrets of the ancient art of insults.
We all need to let of steam every now and then.
What better way than insulting a complete stranger? What better forum than the internet?
After a long, stressful day in the Kampung waiting for your wife to get home from the rice fields, you can rip a few insults on some unsuspecting netizen, safe in anonymity.
The skill, of course, lies in winding people up and taunting them to the point they lose it, ideally going ballistic, through making stupid, even idiotic comments. Achmad has succeeded many, many times, Friend.
Firstly, it helps to maintain some semblance of sanity and intelligence. If people think you are simply insane or stupid beyond belief, they are less likely to take your insults and taunting seriously.
But you also need to appear infuriatingly thick at times. This, of course, prevents too much ill will by undermining the power of your insults.
Here are some general principles.
1. Name calling.
This is the most primitive and childish, but can be a lot of fun. In this post, some moron got suckered right in and fell for all the old tricks. More on this later.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but your pathetic cowardice in using ‘anonymous’ is possibly matched only by your chronic erectile dysfunction and inability to use a modern toilet. (You probably think we Asians only know how to squat!)
Response:
Let’s get one thing crystal clear “Achmad’ .. I am not your ‘brother’, you filthy little unwashed yellow heathen. Your name even sounds like the noise someone makes when spitting.
If it wasn’t for “white man’s rule” (as you so quaintly put it) you’d still be living in a mud hut having intimate relations with your sister and probably also having an affair with the village goat…Hang on, you’re probably still doing that eh?
Get on your grubby knees you surly flea-ridden dog and praise the “white-man” for all the advantages you know have in your pathetic existence.
As for “white-man” exploiting local girls??..well go and tell their greedy parents to stop selling them into prostitution. Didn’t think of that did you dickhead?
2. Make up wild, unfounded accusations.
It’s best to avoid implying or outright allegations of incest, child molestation, desecration of religious icons. Some things are off limits. But borderline character defamation, especially if it’s coming from a nincompoop, is fine.
In this posting from a year ago, I repeatedly accused Oigal, who seems to be a family man, of groping Blok M bargirls before drinking himself into a vomit-wracked stupor.
Perhaps you’d know that if you weren’t lying face down and semi conscious in a pool of stale Bir Bintang.
That’s what happens if your diet is basically Bir Bintang, chips and meat pies. First your body, then your mind goes.
I offer these thoughts to you as a gift for the New Year, my friend. With luck you won’t chunder them up like last night’s ‘food’.
6:58 PM
and
You were obviously bent prone, slurping up last-night’s Bir Bintang from a dirty puddle in the My Bar toilet at Blok M!
and
(In your case you’d have to sober up, pay the bar girls, and get a few VD shots ahead of time for the trip back through Medan !! :-))
In the same post, I pose as someone else, but call another poster, Steve-at-the-Pub, a “blathering imbecile,” implying that he is a sub-evolved quasi-australopithecus (cave man).
3. Display extreme prejudices, preferably offensive ones, hidden in either pseudo-intellectual banter or polite comments.
Care is needed with this one, which is why I usually stick to insulting the entire race of “White Men”.
That has a kind of faint, cafe-chic “post colonial” air about it and also would get a few nods from the addle-brained post modernists. Amongst earnest Western liberals you can often get a rise by implying that you think either Africans, Australian aborigines (sometimes called Kooris), are at a less evolved state than Asians.
A slight variation is the Pancasila or New Order trick combined with patronising Muslim sexism. This often works like a charm on 20-something Bloggers who think they’re hip. These poor suckers may have grown up or actually had to attend the P-4 indoctrination so they hate it. They also don’t like being reminded of what much of the real Indonesia is like so it makes them really angry.
In one case, I warned one Indonesian woman in her late 20s not to get “over westernised”, and said it was un-Indonesian for a woman to drink and smoke. Finally I told her to “study Pancasila”, and accused her Bule friends of being sex tourists. She got so mad she blocked my IP address and told me to f–k off.
4. Take stupid positions, backtrack, back peddle, and be completely unwilling to concede the point, whilst accusing the other person of doing it.
After repeatedly insulting “Anonymous” I then called on him to maintain decency and proper netiquette. His response:
WTF!!!?????
…”Try to keep your comments polite on this Blog. Mr. Thang likes to maintain a standard of gentlemanly decency, free from insults and innuendo…”
Hahaha!!! Are you for real you cretin!!????.. Have you re-read your own posts???.. hahaha!
Aaaccchhhmmad. You truly are slime of the lowest order.
I know your type well.. bitter and twisted, insanely jealous of whites, realising that you’ll never amount to anything in your own godforsaken country.
What happened?..get refused a visa to come to Australia??…or perhaps a white man rejected your homo advances??. Deep down you really wish you were a white man don’t you Aaaaacchhhmad??
5. Sabotage reasonable discussion threads by trying to drag them into a brawl of name-calling.
At first, this tactic worked beautifully in Indonesia Matters.
Friend, just a few closing thoughts at the end of the week. Soon I’ll be heading for the hills of West Java on the back of my Vespa, ukuele slung across my back. It’s time to head for those rustic places I love the most. I’ll kick back a few teh pocis and perhaps slap the rump of a few passing village girls.
My brothers and sisters in the villages don’t catch all my insults for they are simple folk. But it’s a great environment to dream up a few more barbs.
61 Comments on “Insults & Comebacks”
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Mohammed Khafi says:
AAB is probably praying to his Beloved Prophet Joyoboyo, or possibly helping Achmad convert his VESPA into a powersource for their UFO.
Peace
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iamisaid says:
Man, you are not my type, I prefer my steak well done.
*at ease lips!
~massages his lips
Oh mannn, what took you so long? My luscious lips were puckered for past 2 hours till it turned blue, waiting to meet yours!
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Dragonwall says:
Honestly speaking no one speaks english or write english in this manner and by the look you could really gauge this guy could probably be a wikipedian using the dictionary all the time. English, Australian or American don’t use those words on extensive terms not even in court or classrooms.
It really shows a person not that down to earth speaking human terms. He is definitely not a bule and definitely not the real person in goggle glass.
You bet. -
Aluang Anak Bayang says:
Do I sense jealousy here?
Just because a brown man’s grammatical style and vocab are far more superior than your Singlish, he is branded a wikipedian and dictionary clutcher. That tells how out of touch you are with Indonesians. I bet you are the one using dictionary everytime Mas Sudarsono posted a comment.
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Achmad Sudarsono says:
Hey,
Easy guys.
The only unusual words I used above were, semblance, desecration, rustic, and nincompoop. They all have a precise purpose.
I don’t believe in using fancy or obscure words to show off. I believe in leaning towards simple, clear English, but still tapping the richness of the language when one can.
Here’s an excerpt from a great language Guru, Fowler (see below). In his “King’s English,” he sounds a bit stern and pompous, but it’s generally great advice. I think it’s also better to see them as guidelines. As Oigal pointed out in a recent post, people sometimes use grammar “rules” to intimidate and patronise other people.
Language should be a tool of freedom and not just for the ‘educated’ few. For goddsake’s some of the worst writers I’ve come across have been professors.
At the same time, like a building, it needs structure. Sussing out the trade off is the mark of a good writer, which maybe one day in the very distant future I’ll become.
http://www.bartleby.com/116/101.html
H.W. Fowler (1858-1933). The King’s English, 2nd ed. 1908.
Chapter I. Vocabulary
GENERAL
ANY one who wishes to become a good writer should endeavour, before he allows himself to be tempted by the more showy qualities, to be direct, simple, brief, vigorous, and lucid.
This general principle may be translated into practical rules in the domain of vocabulary as follows:””
Prefer the familiar word to the far-fetched.
Prefer the concrete word to the abstract.
Prefer the single word to the circumlocution.
Prefer the short word to the long.
Prefer the Saxon word to the Romance. 1 -
dewaratugedeanom says:
Aluang Anak Bayang said
Many believe that the time for the arrival of a new Ratu Adil is near (as the prophecies put it, “when iron wagons could drive without horses and ships could sail through the sky”), “¦
Fellow Indonesians, Saudara, Saudari,
The time has come to reveal my true identity. We (note pluralis majestatis), Dewa Ratu Gede Anom, are a virtual reincarnation of Gajah Mada, statesman and warlord of the great Empire of Majapahit. Prapanca, a court poet and historian of his time who composed the Nagarakertagama, described Gajah Mada as “eloquent, sharp of speech, upright, and sober-minded.”
We have come to earth to herald the ‘Reconquista’ and pave the way for the dawn of the new Empire. Our rebirth took place in ‘Second Life’ but We escaped and landed in IM.May the Force be with Us. Majapahit will rule again. Merdeka!
Season’s Greetings to all of you.
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TheWrathOfGrapes says:
Achmad, methinks you are losing it. You see, you need an article of 1,075 words to teach others the art of insults. My response of only 6 words is having the desired effect of riling certain people’s sensitivities. Over to you now.
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Dear Wrath,
No – it’s a question of teaching people to deliver the Gettysburg Address, as opposed to just delivering it. Also, there’s the question of quality of pissed-offness. I had some excellent responses. Finally, there’s the question of doing it consistently over time.
🙂
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cheerstospears says:
Oh achmad achmad achmad… grab me thy embrace!
whitegirl_in denial_aka_achmad sudarsono’s future 5th wive
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Cheerstospears,
As we haven’t met – yet – I see even the mention of my Koes Ploes albums, peci, moustache and insulting ability has won you over. Va Va Voom !
And Sayang, yes, as a true pancasilaist, I embrace all 5 of Indonsia’s religions, including Hindu, which allows me 5 wives.
Va Va Va VOOM !
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achmad – salam kenal aja, its fun reading the comments here
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Roffi,
What are you being nice to an asshole (me) who enjoys offending and insulting other people ?
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Achmad – why, not what. Now you are insulting my kindergarten English….
😉
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Dear Wrath,
No, just nga ngerti aja. Wouldn’t insult your English. 🙂
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Janma says:
IAMISaid
Do you know that you impale your arguement by throwing red herrings into the discussion?
…. impaled by a red herring. Ouch…..
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Janma Says:
December 27th, 2007 at 11:10 am
IAMISaidDo you know that you impale your arguement by throwing red herrings into the discussion?
“¦. impaled by a red herring. Ouch”¦..
Bill Clinton was accused of smoking pot while he was a student at Oxford, and his excuse was, “yes, I did smoke, but I did not inhale.”
Much late, while he was President and was caught having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky, his excuse was, “yes, I did have sex with her, but I did not impale.”
P/S – no Bill didn’t come up with the second excuse – I made that up.
😉
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i remember bill clinton saying that…. he smoked but didn’t inhale… at the same time there was some (canadian bike rider I think?) who was tested positive for drugs and his excuse was that he inhaled it but he didn’t smoke it…. (passive)
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Always the sense of jealousy will come from someone who feels that other comments were wrapped with suspicious.
No one person, except a dictionary clutcher and or a wikipedian will put words in such a manner instead of writing common english, there is nothing much to envy about.
I notice none of you whomsoever came close to the State Ideology since you guy have earlier championed.
It is always the achievements tht will make people envy or jealous and not otherwise so the grammartical vocab doesn’t rings a bell to me at all.
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Fred Floggle says:
Its amusing to see a little boy sitting on the dung heap of Asia telling everyone he is king of the castle.
What most of you don’t know is that he is Australian born and STILL holds and Australian passport. He has a small business in Jalan Jaksa and sleeps with his employees (often without their consent).
When either Indonesia turns to sh*t or he retires, he will run back to Australia to pick up his pension.
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Achmad Sudarsono says:
Fred,
Not a bad try. It’s true, it’s hard to be more pathetic than run a small business on Jl. Jaksa, home to JakChat, unless its the “Piss Salon.”
Alas, however, way off the mark.
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perseus says:
My favorite insults and comebacks from from the cricket field – currently covered in infamy on account of a little brown monkey called Harbajan Singh getting suspended for calling an Australian a monkey. Deplorable. Gee what ever happened to the white people being racist mofos??? The brown mofos are taking over… Dudes, what gives???
Now I realize some of youse Javanese civilized gentlefolk are far too elegant (and far too up yourselves) to engage in a game so crass as cricket but the game does throw up some excellent insults.
Hey Achmad, how are your wives and my kids?
Hey Perseus, how come you are so fat?
Hey Achmad, because every time I f*ck your three wives they each give me a biscuit.
Adapted for this thread from the top 10 cricket sledges… 🙂 Now that is kulcha, maaate.
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Perseus,
You definitely fit into category 1. See Bules and White Men article. Cricket was a gentlemen’s sport until the Australians started to play it.
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No.no.no.cricket is the rich man’s sport in China long long ago..cricket fighting..
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Cricket was a gentlemen’s sport until the Australians started to play it.
Bollocks! It was the South Africans and the Pakistanis who stuffed it up 🙂
Actually cricket like all forms of sport went south when the let professionals on the field. Rugby union went to pot once they let the sponsors and the money in.
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Oigal says:
What our idiot friend does not realise is that not all of his readers are anywhere stable or rational people and he runs the very real risk of getting someone hurt. Of course that is to be expected from someone who has spent their whole life in a sheltered environment. Still lots to be said for Karma..
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Oigal,
I don’t think loony right wing skinheads are going to be trawling or trolling Indonesia Matters.
Anyway, I’m retiring.
No more blog. No more articles.
🙂
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Achmad
Anyway, I’m retiring.
Just like Borat ?
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Like Achmad.
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Gee I wish..still on the off (why does that word come to mind so easily when talking to you) chance you are serious..Retired or not..You remain a major league immature dick.
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Man, you are not my type, I prefer my steak well done. 🙂