The Mothering Instinct

Aug 31st, 2009, in Society, by Ross

Have the wealthy women of leisure in Jakarta lost their mothering instincts?

RAMADAN SHENANIGANS

One of my first posts on IM (Kampung Girls) concerned the pathetic middle/upper-class women who are so useless that they move into hotels during Ramadan because without maids they can’t look after their own families. Guess they weren’t reading at the time!

A case in point sprang up today, when I heard that the wifie down the street was in a quandary; she had never actually carried her own baby – it’s very little, born just a few months ago. I found this beggared belief, but the tale held up, seems she had her two pembantus (maids) tote the babe all the time, except when it went to the health centre, when its Daddy carried it in and out!

I know, or at least hope, that this is an extreme example, but it represents the continuing incapacity of posh women for anything other than ordering servants about, shopping and lounging in cafes. (as with my original post, I exclude working parents from this criticism)

I have no quarrel with people celebrating Ramadan, even the fasting, even joined in for a night this past week, just to be nice (and unlike many who fast on ‘religious’ grounds, I ate a normal meal when it was time to eat, not a platter heaped with enough goodies to feed the neighbourhood poor for a week!) but I do find some peripheral aspects utterly dispiriting.

Instead of welcoming the chance to be gracious to their domestic staff by wishing them well on their few days leave, these uppity bints grudge it, bemoaning their fate as if they’re suffering monstrous injustice. When I tell people here that bule women back home of the middle-class who don’t go out to work see nothing unduly arduous about washing and cooking for their own children, I’m often met with looks of disbelief similar to the one I exhibited when I heard the above story.

Have I been away from the Western world too long, have all mothers lost the mothering instinct, or does anyone else find the ‘rich bitch’ category here nauseating too?

P.S. Don’t mistake this for a criticism of Indonesian womanhood in general – I’m most fond of them and kampung ladies, with many fewer household gadgets, are normally diligent in their household duties.

37 Comments on “The Mothering Instinct”

katadia says:

September 28, 2009 at 7:44 am

Yep. it’s a paradox that the ‘traditional’ roles are what’s keeping fertility to be really high in poor places, yet are also correlated with really low fertility rates in the region you mentioned above.

You might be right in saying that live-in helpers and babysitters are what’s keeping TFR are a fairly healthy levels. I guess support for mothers also extend beyond the urban upper middle-class. In villages and even in tight-knit communities in Jakarta, extended families and neighbours often offer mothers with young children the much needed “me” time. Not necessarily to sip lattes in an air-conditional mall, but you know, to take a bath, spend solo time in the toilet etc etc.

Frankly, I think it’s ridiculous to ridicule ‘wealthy ladies of leisure in Jakarta’ as bad mothers. When Ross sees women meeting up with friends in the mall while the nannies keep the kids entertained in a play area nearby, does he realize that one of the reasons this is rarely seen in the “West” is because the kids are being left back at home with a $15/hour babysitter or at a childcare facility or to spend “quality” time with their father? How about the fact that mothers in Indonesia tend to co-sleep with their children and don’t practice control crying to discipline infants to sleep through the night? It’s only natural that mothers need a break without having to suffer the name-calling in this thread.

As for people complaining not having the maids? Satu, it’s probably as common as people commenting about the school holidays here. Yes, it’s great to spend time with the kids but it’s also a devaiation from the ‘routine’. God knows, how parents are holding on tight to routine here. Dua, please stop comparing “housework” in the typical urban middle-class dwelling in Jakarta (where people rarely invest in automatic cycle washing machine, have no dryer,need to mop their floors twice a day!) and and that in “the West”. Tiga, considering that the majority of tertiary-educated couples in Jakarta are dual-earners, imagine the time they spend commuting. I could go on empat, lima, enam, dst. 🙂

Plis deh!
Ross says:

September 28, 2009 at 9:53 am

G’day, Katadia. I left this thread to develop at its own speed, not least as I was busy upsetting a touchy Dutchman elsewhere.

But your comments are interesting, though your onslaught on my views is slightly awry.
I am, indeed, a fan of the traditional family, mum, dad, and kids. Unfortunately, neither parent is immortal and sometimes one parent is left to carry the can; divorce too takes a heavy toll on the ideal.

The dual-earners were never my target, as I made clear more than once. Life ain’t easy here and if families want washing machines, accessories, not to mention good schoools, it is a reasoned choice for both parents to work.

It’s the lazy women, who don’t go out to work yet palm off the little ones on servants, who bug me. It’s all very well to talk about ‘me time,’ but both parents should realise that having kids involves sacrifice, perhaps most of all in terms of the time you can spend thinking about yourself.

You raise some good asides, like why do parents here insist on having their kids sleep in their beds, even when they can afford large enough homes to provide separate bedrooms. I don’t know. Pray tell.

Another question I puzzle over, which you don’t mention, is why many kids are permitted to slide into gross obesity before they leave elementary school…I personally think this is related to the main issue, that kids left with maids/nannies can become domineering little brutes who treat the ladies in charge of them as servants – an accurate perception, true -and thus order more sweets, Cokes, bubur ayam, whatever, and often swell up due to pampering.
These children then grow up to think they have no responsibility to see to their own needs, and transfer that legacy of arrogant indolence to the next generation.
Am I wrong? (It does happen sometimes!)
Ross says:

September 28, 2009 at 9:57 am

PS On reading the above agian, I see I could be denounced as sexist, and I suppose I am, but I would readily alter the vocab to apply also to house-husbands who have working wives, yet spend their time with pals instead of with their children.
katadia says:

September 28, 2009 at 11:21 am

‘But your comments are interesting, though your onslaught on my views is slightly awry.’

Pak Ross, once again, I said clearly that I do appreciate your ‘honesty’ in voicing your preferences. Nothing wrong with it. As long as you don’t enforce it on me. Which you don’t (hence reference to my husband). I don’t think you are sexist. You are just honest. So yeah, sorry if I came across as one raging homicidal feminist ready to purge bearded men. (However, I am pretty bothered by the way you paint a picture of your neighbour who you said ‘never carry the baby’. Who knows, she might have a severe case of post-partum depression)

You asked whether you have been away from the West for too long, and I gave you my answer. That and also maybe you have forgotten the challenges of parenting toddlers and infants. I too would surely romanticize my sleep-deprived days by next year, as I have romanticized the crazy amounts of daily laundry I used to do 6 months back when one kid is toilet training and the other projectiled vomits every three hours.

Filial piety, though eroding, still plays a large part in urban Indonesia. I co-sleep with my mum whenever I was staying over at her place until the day I got married ( I am an outlier so don’t base your view on my purely anecdotal assertions).

In Indonesia, when you have other people in the house to help with your kids, sharing a bed with them is fine. It is a totally different thing when you live in a nuclear household and your kid’s bedtime is totally your happy hour. It’s a totally different context! For example, a typical opinion of my stereotyping relative of would be something like: “Waduh, orang bule kok kejem banget ya, anak baru lahir udah disuruh tidur sendiri di kamarnya di lantai yang berbeda pula! Pantes pas udah tua orang tuanya dikirim ke rumah jompo!”
So it’s just a matter of perspectives!

Proponents of co-sleeping also point to lower incidence of SIDS.

On obese children. I grew up with a lot of Jajanan. Once a kid is in sekolah dasar, it’s hard to control what junk food they’re eating. I don’t think bubur ayam is the culprit of obesity. Instead, you should wage your war against unethical formula advertising! Look at how products like Pediasure is doing so well in Indonesia, scaremongering parents about their fussy easing toddlers etc etc. With the assistance of formula giants through their smartly targeted campaigns, it’s common for parents to encourage bottle feeding beyond their child’s first year of life.

I grew up with nannies. I wasn’t obese. But there was a park across our place and I didn’t play video games. Only Barbie dolls.

Childhood obesity is an issue in the West too. And here, they don’t even have maids/ nannies!

Salam damai!
Ross says:

September 28, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Yes, Katadia, fair point about the vidoe games. My young pupils (I am conservative enough to think of them as pupils rather than students!), when asked their free-time activities, usually say computer games or sleeping. It’s a surprise that only half of them appear ot be significantly over-weight. I know Jakarta lacks public parks, but these youngsters have big gardens as a rule and could easily invite friends round for a kick-about.
Okay, I understand the co-sleeping is partly a cultural thing. Even so, my kids slept on their own very happily from the earliest ages, though always within easy range if they woke at night and called out for attention…

Oya!
Sexist…I see there’s a thread about ‘what is racism,’ so what is sexism?

I’m old enough to recall the days when no woman might have to stand on a London bus or tube-train. I think it finally died out in the 60s, surely not coincidentally at the time when awful women like Germaine Greer and Co. were telling us men we were oppressors, for allowing wise ladies to stay home and take it easy instead of entering the rough and tumble of the work-place.
I still light a lady’s cigarette for her and hold doors, appreciated here but often evoking a snarl back in Libby London. (I can open it myself, thank you very much!)
Those are my sexist credentials. I admire feisty women like Maggie T and Sarah Palin, and the late Oriana Falacci. I can respect other feisty gals whose views I don’t like. But I draw the line at people like that Jakarta Post libber who is all in favour of emancipation but derides brave females such as Hirsi Ali, who actually suffer for their stand, rather than snipe from a luxurious manor in the posh end of the Big Durian.

Anyway, Katadia, I thank you for your measured input and trust that you understand much of the above is not aimed at you but merely another little bid by yours truly to stimulate debate.
katadia says:

September 29, 2009 at 8:45 am

Terima kasih kembali Pak Ross.

In regards to your neighbour, I forgot to mention that back in the days (imagine rural Java 20 years back), the custom was for mothers with a newborn to stay in bed and not do any house chores for the first 40 days. The traditional birth attendant would come daily to massage the mother, bathe the baby, make some lactation inducing potion etc. And no, this was not the custom reserved for the feudal lords either.

In case you see other seemingly wealthy women in the mall equipped with their nannies and children, don’t make the assumption that these ladies are lazy SAHM straight away. Bear in mind that the majority of tertiary educated couples in urban Indonesia are dual-earners (60 per cent in 2000 – I imagine the numbers are increasing and larger in Jkt). Lazy women is not the norm!

I am not really into a debate on what is sexism. I just don’t like the way maternal roles are being glorified with the consequence of women who ‘deviate’ from the ‘noble’ roles being vilified. Ironically, as for myself, I grew up being conditioned with gender role stereotypes, so it’s hard to get my almost two year old off my breast at night.

Who is the Jakarta post libber?
Ross says:

September 29, 2009 at 10:26 am

Pagi Ms. Katadia
Julia Suryakusuma, I think her name is, but am just up and moving today, getting used to being back at work…
I see hundreds of Indonesian women on my way to work every day ( a pleasant experience!), definitely not lazy in general, hence my taking aim at the minority who are. no worries.