4,898 Comments on “Dating Indonesian Girls”

1. stevo says:

   September 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

   Yes bonni, your still sweet and innocent !

   Let us not forget there are women involved in all these stories also. 🙂

2. Bad to the Bone says:

   September 27, 2011 at 9:54 pm

   it’s not that hard to understand bonni, i think its just people on the rebound, after a failed attempt at the ideal relationship-
   the defenses/standards/ self esteem are down.
   they (men & woman world wide) want another attempt/shot at the ideal again & make mistakes with people not right for them.
   bla bla maybe they get it right 1st time & get the hearts desires fulfilled –what are the chances of that after not getting it right 1st time. this is getting boring.
   live & learn time, i guess.
   you in a relationship bonni or had experience dating a bule or would like to ?

3. bonni says:

   September 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

   Bad to the Bone,

   I’m currently not in any relationship. I guess I had one pretty serious relationship but then it didn’t work out well. I dated some bule… I dated an Indo guy, once… So yeah I had some experiences, I suppose… 🙂

4. daleman says:

   October 12, 2011 at 12:50 am

   i met an aussie man as my husband now he is 25 y.o older than me , i m 40 yo and he is 65 yo.Suprised i found him like miracle in internet. When i was suffering fight to my brother for having heritage of my parents , he always advise me .

   i like his thought , i dont know why i always miss him
   I didnt know at same time he was processing his heritage from his father too
   Finally i know both of us having heritage at same time , he get from his father and me either. even for the beginning i meet him he dint tell me about his heritage

   After i back from vacation , He decided trip to Indonesia for meeting me in Jakarta.
   i found in airport he not different than what i m thinking. he is mature , very healthy , look younger than his age and lovely one.

   I am not looking money from him because my life very stable and secure already and He is same too , not looking money from me coz his life more stable rather than me.

   Now we together and married in australia . He is making a house in Brisbane and getting a dog for us

   i trust if the right time God will send me a right man
   i really never thought my partner life is not Indonesian.

5. stevo says:

   October 12, 2011 at 6:05 am

   That is a nice story daleman, I hope it all goes well for you both 🙂

6. bonni says:

   October 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

   Daleman,

   Soo happy for you, wish you all the goodluck with your hubby ya 🙂

7. Bitten Apple says:

   October 20, 2011 at 3:21 am

   Very interesting topic and wont be tiring enough to explore…

   If you are an Indonesian single woman who have spent some times overseas, either for work or for study, and/or are deeply influenced by western-ways of thinking, and currently living in Jakarta, I can feel you. 

   While in some cases we are adored, or even in some extreme cases, being envied by other women, as because we are fortunate enough to well-travelled, have earned an overseas degree, or to be able to speak in other languages, or for having this so-called more modern thought, we are left with dilemma of finding the right kind of man. It’s getting worse if you graduated from a university where many french feminists went to, not because those men are aware of, but because somehow it influenced the way you see the world. Even when you take fashion design. Just to say fashion is evolved according to social and political issues, they makes you read a whole book abiut french feminism movement. But the worst scenario is when you are claimed (either self-, or by public) as a feminist. 
   I myself am not (thank God!) a lonely woman who desperately need a man to hanging around. I am blessed with some best friends whom I am stuck since I was 5 years old, not to mention some other best friends I gained when I grew up. I have two male best friends who are almost-always available to be around if I am in need, or just to be traveling with, or to go to a bar with. But living in Jakarta, people think it’s a sin to be single when you are 25 years old. 

   It is not that we (speaking on behalf the others) are picky, but we do enjoy spending quality time with my partner, including having a quality chat. For me, as I said I have a bunch of best friends from elementary school, none of them is working in development sectors nor interested in politic or current global issues. Frankly speaking, I don’t need shallow chat from my partner, as I can easily get shallow chat by calling my friends. 

   What choices do I have?

   1. Typical Indonesian men.
   Here the thing about these men, Indonesian culture are extremely patriarchy. A man has to be ‘more’ than his woman, start from richer, smarter, to the most shallow thing, taller. They see women are only good for cooking, managing household, bearing children, calm, acting feminine, and being submissive. Not to mention their twisted attitude and obsession over control. Generally speaking, they require their women to tell (and sometime asking for permit) whatever she’s doing or about to do. I won’t tell my man if I am about to go peeing or not going to a bar with my friends just because he is not around. 

   Another thing about this group, they still live with their parents. They somehow want to be a leader in a relationship, but they themselves are unable to live by their own. Please be aware that Indonesian people have serious issues in sequencing priorities in their life. For instance the fact that people bought a new car while still living with their parents, or a girl from slum area dropped out from school while using smart phone and paying 10 bucks a month to be able to open facebook on their handheld.

   Apart from that facts above, I simply cannot deal with their sexist jokes. Even when they are well-educated, typical Indonesian men love sexist jokes. I assume it is because sex itself is taboo and not well-educated in Indonesia. So talking dirty, throwing sexist jokes is kind a rebellious doing for them. In the other hand, I have found so many men from this group who are homophobic. Like they have never heard that WHO has officially excluded homosexual from mental illness decades ago. I believe they haven’t. 

   I am not saying they are conservative nor religious, because some of them are engaged in extra-marital or pre-marital sex, watching porn, some of them don’t pray on a regular basis, some of them have bribed cops, some drink alcohol, using drugs or at least weeds, or using prostitution services. But they will be shocked and call you crazy once you tell them you don’t believe in any religion, let alone being an atheist. They’re twisted with their own values that they take for granted.  

   2. Western-educated Indonesian men

   I used to have a hope to this group of men. I thought that having a western education might enlighten they ways of thinking about an equal relationship, which is obviously doesn’t exist in a relationship where a typical indonesian men involved. But I have seen a lot of men belong to this group still have struggled with the concept of equality in a relationship. They think somebody needs to take the lead in a relationship, even though it’s not always him. Some of them are playing tricky, they let their women to take the lead in small peanut stuffs, like choosing curtain color, type of tiles, but the big stuffs like the location of the house/apartment itself is his decision.

   There are few different reasons why these men acting like this. Some of them, went overseas but still mingling with fellow Indonesians or other Asians people, who-unfortunately-shared the thoughts and attitude. The only norms they grabbed during their time are limited to traffic-related mater, making a line in front of the lockets, or not to call people ‘Negro’ or ‘black’, or a wisdom that ‘it is not a sin to have premarital sex or drink alcohol or eat porks’. But still, some of this group are still homophobic or think that you are communist if you don’t believe in God. The second common reason is some of them come from upper middle class who drive their parents’ Hummer or luxurious SUV, doing nothing but destructive things in their life called managing their parent’s company. Most of them are selfish ignorant Ken-Brats who think that they are a seigneur of their little kingdom. So even though they have lived in western countries or earned overseas degree, they are still pretty much Asian, sadly in a negative way. These men won’t be interested to me anyway. They go after other brats, air-head women who are only able to talk about Louis Vuitton without ability to tell about the history of Louis Vuitton and the relation between Vuitton family with Nazi, assuming they really know about what Nazi had done in Europe. Some of them, even worse, mispronounced “Louis Vuitton”. So me, a not-skinny woman who talks about Rohigya Refugees or criticized them for being a chauvinist patriarchies snob, is not their option. 

   3. Expat. 
   It was not once or twice my fellow Indonesian friends suggested me to go after western men, as I am considered ‘too liberal’ for any Indonesian men. What the heck that supposes to mean? Anyway, after quite a while of contemplate, I finally realized that by “too liberal”, they mean I have western values to uphold, including equal relationship and “non-abusive” relationship. Theoretically, it is not hard for me, considering my occupation, to find an expat.
   But…. Nyeh, forget it, most expats I have met are either old and married, or young-but Asian Fetish. Most of these men are so into uhm, how I address it politely, more authentic Indonesian looks and attitudes. Most of those Indonesian women play girly-submissive, acting feminine, don’t logically-intellectually debate in substance, especially those whom they met in a bar. I have known so many expats hooked up with an Indonesian woman in a bar, then hooked up again, and since there is no dating phase in Indonesian dating rules (seriously, it’s either you’re one night stand or in relationship. There is nothing in between), the woman called him her boyfriend (as if they’re in a relationship). 

   However, indeed there are groups of indonesian women who seriously are hunting for expats, hoping to be married, have beautiful half-race children, and live better. And those women communicate and sharing tips to each other. Once I accidentally sit in a same table with an old expat with his typical indonesian woman girlfriend. This woman could not even finish a sentence in a grammatically correct english, not to mention understand and follow current political issues (because everybody at the table was eitehr lawyer or development workers), while the guy is working as a political secretary in a developed country embassy for Indonesia. Well my english is not perfect either, I was just wondering what conversation do they make on a daily basis? 

   Don’t get me wrong, I also have known plenty of Expat-Asian women couples who make a perfect couple, perfect family. It is because I see equality in their relationship. They are on the same level, they came from the same class. It is not an equality when a man does the dishes just because he loves or feeling pity to his wife. It has to be driven by a perspective and consciously well-perceived knowledge that washing dishes is both’s obligation. 

   I am not saying either, that hooking up with bimbos is wrong, or ladies in the bar are necessarily bimbos. I am not. In fact, I love hanging out with friends in a bar, or with my partner once in a while. But having a quality time, in-depth dialogue or exercise our hobbies together does really really matter to me. And it doesn’t have to be a lawyer or development worker to have a quality conversation. But honestly, listening to a guy talking about his car or engine, or something scary like “when we get married, I want you to blah blah…” is just too much for me.

   To me, the most important thing to pick up someone into a relationship is not how good is he/she on the dance floor, even though that counts. I need to know that she/he is not affiliated to a political party like PKS or Republican or UMP. I cannot figure it out by observing the way s/he dances nor how many bottles s/he can handle. 

   I always questioning why did this phenomenon happen massively. An expat friend gave me the hurtful answer, “if those people want to have a girl like you, independent, outspoken, and demands for equality, they would not have traveled all the way to Asia for a woman. And some guys are tired enough talking about stressful stuffs at their office, they want to be a king, serviced and get spoiled by his woman”. Apparently this Asian fetish, Yellow Fever, or whatever you call it, is not only about the looks, but also the attitude, the Asian family value where woman is plain submissive to her man and dedicated to their family. The fever is definitely shunned me from this group.

   Then how on earth are we going to find a man ? I remember when I was a kid, my mom required me to be smart, academically excellent, and always be thirsty of knowledge. To make me read newspapers when I was on 5th grades, my father brought me to a British Embassy’s cocktail party and pointed me a woman who was sitting alone in the corner. He said nobody is talking to her because she knows nothing to talk about, because she doesn’t read paper! 

   Then two years ago, my mother refused to send me to an ivy league law school in USA, not only because the tuition alone costs 44 grands a year (a number that we barely have), but also because I am about to climb my pyramid. Her theory is woman’s social life is like a pyramid, the higher her social class (which is determined by educational tittle, income, position at work), the narrower her people are, which mean the fewer eligible men who would marry her. Because smart women scare men. Independent women are intimidating men. Well, sarcastically said, A ken-brats deserves a bimbo. But if a decent-widely open minded man is keen on a bimbo as well, whom do so-called western-educated women belong? 

   What a tricky way of living for Indonesian women, once you are asked to be like a comet, then when you’re 25, you are asked to be a turtle, walking down slowly. 
   If it is just the way it is, to hell with the billions dollars aid spent for women empowerment programmes in developing countries.

8. synbad says:

   October 21, 2011 at 3:53 am

   ha ha so many generalizations .
   what is sometimes true isn’t always true.

   however I think its extremely difficult for Indonesian educated,professional girls.

   having been to indo over twenty times I have many friends .

   love is difficult and rare.
   that’s why we have a fascinating obsession with it. its why so many songs ,poems,movies are dedicated to it.

   but we seriously can’t pigeon hole people into certain categories.

   indo guys
   ex pats
   whatever.

   also ,I’m not sure Bali is indicative of Indonesia.
   maybe Jakarta isn’t too?

   like the country itself its a mosaic and so are its people.

   though the girls are extremely jealous…. that is a constant.
   😉

9. Heeheehee says:

   October 24, 2011 at 11:53 pm

   I have been living in Indonesia for over 20 years and was born here. I can say most indonesian women tend to demand women rights. they still admit that men are better leaders but its not like they must be submissive in every thing. they want to continue study and have career but they still wish men to be someone who protect them and start ideas to “cheer up” boring relationship.

   so if you are bored with your relationship with an indonesian girl, she, without telling, wishes you to make some new things together, going to someplace new and having fun, etc. Well, I guess i can understand that because men have larger brains LOL so they should make new ideas… don’t worry, most indonesian women are not feminists.

   when you ask which one of man and woman who has more responsibility on seeking job and feeding family ? the answer is man. and if you ask which one of man and woman who has more responsibility on doing household tasks ? woman. who has more responsibility to protect house from threats like thieves or robbers ? its man. but which one who has more responsibility on taking care about baby by hands ? its woman.

   career women usually look for open-minded men who can understand that women need to apply their wills and use their skills to gain profit. if they choose to have babies then they usually discuss about it and pick a servant. career women eventually don’t force themselves to go to work when they are pregnant so they trust their men.

   in short, indonesian women in general look for a man who is a good leader who is not a dictator who disallows their rights. they never argue so much about gender equality, even if you think you are dominant and are better drivers they don’t care that much. they don’t want to be forced to be too submissive. but they tend to be submissive. but they don’t want their men to put full domination on them. but they still hope you are dominant.

   if you want to date an indonesian woman, please make sure your intention is to find a serious relationship. leaving them for better sex is not tolerated. don’t worry, they hate polyandry too. monogamy is a must.

   fair enough i think.

10. Kurakura says:

    October 25, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Funny. This generalization would always sound the same everywhere with any kind of race..

    From what I picked up, I know that most say men are less stressed with less smart women, thus we could see in public how unequal the presentation of the pair would be. And that more lonely people out there trying to justify their situation. But who are we to judge? Nobody knows what is going on behind the closed doors.

    I must say, wherever you are you must experience the ups and downs. People hurt you, people please you, that’s life. And making generalization will only give a little comfort…

11. bonni says:

    October 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Heeheehee,

    they still admit that men are better leaders

    Who? You do?

    They want to continue study and have career but they still wish men to be someone who protect them and start ideas to “cheer up” boring relationship.

    Don’t think so.

    so if you are bored with your relationship with an indonesian girl, she, without telling, wishes you to make some new things together, going to someplace new and having fun, etc. Well, I guess i can understand that because men have larger brains LOL so they should make new ideas…

    Still, don’t think so.

    when you ask which one of man and woman who has more responsibility on seeking job and feeding family ? the answer is man. and if you ask which one of man and woman who has more responsibility on doing household tasks ? woman. who has more responsibility to protect house from threats like thieves or robbers ? its man. but which one who has more responsibility on taking care about baby by hands ? its woman.

    Ummm… Yeah… Naa, don’t think so.

    career women eventually don’t force themselves to go to work when they are pregnant so they trust their men.

    Are you a college girl?

    They never argue so much about gender equality, even if you think you are dominant and are better drivers they don’t care that much. they don’t want to be forced to be too submissive. but they tend to be submissive. but they don’t want their men to put full domination on them. but they still hope you are dominant.

    What the…?

    leaving them for better sex is not tolerated.

    LMAO (Freakin hillarious!!)

    don’t worry, they hate polyandry too. monogamy is a must.

    Ohh god forbid!!!

    fair enough i think.

    Oh my god…

12. stevo says:

    October 26, 2011 at 1:20 am

    …without telling, wishes you to make some new things together, going to someplace new and having fun, etc.

    Without telling 🙂

    Maybe he should date you bonni, I am a sure you would tell him !

13. bonni says:

    October 26, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Stevo,

    Maybe I would tell him, maybe not… In relationship you must have everything balance…

    I’m not judging…

    For me, it’s just sad (or pathetic?) seeing such indonesian women (or girls) posts…

14. bonni says:

    October 26, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Kurakura,

    Thank you!! That’s soo true turtle-turtle!!! 😀

15. stevo says:

    October 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Maybe she is a bit full of herself bonni, but she is young and searching for her identity. I am sure the very vocal IM posters will help her out with that.

16. ET says:

    October 26, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    @ kurakura

    From what I picked up, I know that most say men are less stressed with less smart women,

    Not necessarily so. Men are only stressed with women who insist on showing off how smart they are.

17. Susanti says:

    October 30, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Michael, I think you also still love the Indonesian girl (at least till you got new fiancee), I’m not sure the real reason you broked up, even though you hurt, you should not hurting other Indonesian women or hate other Indonesian people

18. kurakura says:

    October 31, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    @ Bonni: Slow to digest here.. Hehe

    @ ET: I’m sorry I wasn’t clear before, it was from what I’ve picked up from the discussion here. The generalization of dating Indonesian girls. I am sure, though, women as well as men through out generation have put on stress on everybody they know. And it’s beyond race..

19. nadiazax says:

    November 1, 2011 at 9:39 am

    hi, i love bule,, he,he. Who could speak indonesia and wanna know me? Oops… Just kidding… I find this site.. That talking about indonesian girl. An indonesian javanese girl, that’s me… Yeah i love bule But i don’t know about club, no drunk, don’t know about night live. So where am i could find the bule….?. My email [removed]. Oh… I guess my english wrong… Yeah, coz my english is aweful… So sorry. Don’t call me stupid okay…?

20. deta says:

    November 1, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    But i don’t know about club, no drunk, don’t know about night live. So where am i could find the bule….?

    Try immigration office 🙂

21. Di says:

    November 1, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    Hello everybody,

    I study indonesian language by myself. But I would like to have lessons via Skype. I am ready to pay for this. From my side I can speak russian. My contact email:

    d.was.doe@gmail.com

22. ET says:

    November 1, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Try immigration office

    But beware. They will be in a bad mood.

23. matahari says:

    November 1, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    @ET

    Not necessarily so. Men are only stressed with women who insist on showing off how smart they are.

    auch! 🙂

24. Rahul says:

    November 3, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    In general and overall,indonesia is poor country made by their own people,eventually the men controls everything and the cruel one in indonesia,chinese controls and the economy and makes all vice business, poor indonesian women/girls is easily lead to become “ayam”to support their life forever and later become “ibu ayam”..and this widely done by chinese and “licensed” by indons goverment….indonesia in overall is a cheat…let it be women,girl,wife,husband,old or young..except the new borns

25. Susanti says:

    November 3, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Indonesian people generally see that most of Indonesian woman who dated with western (called bule) are badgirl or ayam, coz for bule usually sex is a must in relationship. In Indonesia culture have sex outside of marriage even with their boyfriend or viancee is same as prostitute, even nowadays some young Indonesian do sex with their boyfriend.
    The reason some Indonesian women who maried with bule usually coz they are not virgin anymore, or they just interest with money and security life. I also know some educated Indonesian women who have good job, she married with bule because of love, and they didn’t had sex outside of marriage.
    That’s just my opinion.

26. nadiazax says:

    November 4, 2011 at 2:28 am

    poor, ayam, ibu ayam,,huh, what is this? Hello people… Hanya numpang lewat.

27. Rahul says:

    November 4, 2011 at 9:55 am

    poor, ayam, ibu ayam,,huh, what is this?

    ……..nadiazax (telor ayam in purple background)..you are lucky girl

28. Bad to the Bone says:

    November 4, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    So Rahul you have nothing positive to say about Indonesia or it’s people, have you, as a obviously highly intelligent & well educated man of the world anything good to say about your own country? By the way where are you from?
    i once met someone who said all people with the name of Rahul & men from his country have their heads up their arse & love to shag goats & other farm animals is that true?

29. bonni says:

    November 4, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Susanti,

    Thank you, now I know that bule are the official ‘saviours’ of non-virgin indonesian women.

    Nadia,

    Don’t worry, many indonesian girls who don’t even speak basic english are with bule now. Study hard in school ya, dear…

    God, please give us your light!

30. Susanti says:

    November 4, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    “girls u found in the bar or street in Jakarta can’t be Indonesian girl ambassador lol.. they’re already influenced with western lifestyle from the place u come from, so they’re not any difference actually from any girl in any part of big cities around the world.. ”

    I agree with you Tia, bar girl who had sex with foreign can’t representative of Indonesian girl, they just very small part of us