Ninih Muthmainnah Muhsin
Dec 9th, 2006, in Society, by PatungAa Gym‘s first wife Ninih Muthmainnah Muhsin discusses her situation.
Ninih Muthmainnah Muhsin, the head of the Muslimah Center at the Yayasan Daarut Tauhid in Bandung, and normally called Teteh Ninih, said in Batam on the 6th that being a madu, or co-wife, was not a sad thing but beautiful, because she was able to look at things from more than just the physical side.
Ninih Muthmainnah Muhsin.
Then she recalled how she felt upon the prospect of meeting her husband’s new bride, Alfarini Eridani, for the first time. Not knowing what to say she just smiled, and, she told her audience, she did not punch her, this last comment being greeted with laughter.
Seeing her husband leave her for his other home was not pleasant:
It hurts when Aa goes there [to his other wife].
(Rasanya panas, kalau Aa lagi di sana. Huhh)
Stoically however she said feeling jealous was just a natural form of love for one’s husband and noted the example of Aisyah, who was one of Muhammad’s numerous wives, and who always felt such a feeling when Muhammad was off with another member of his harem. gatra
63 Comments on “Ninih Muthmainnah Muhsin”
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malaika says:
Aa Gym was someone I respected. Now no more.
How pathetic it is that a man who should have known better, managed to convince the wife that her reward of letting him cheat, will be given by God Himself.
How would he know that?! And his claim that he doesn’t recommend polygamy to people because many men might not be able to be fair, so he’s implying that he’s better than us mortals?
Aa Gym, your God will judge you eventually.. that, is a fact.
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Parvita says:
Taking care of seven children, and with all her life being around Aa Gym, I don’t think she will file for divorce. Takes a lot of bravery to file for divorce. Only strong women can do this here in Indonesia. I’ve met lots of married women who are not happy but yet they stay in the marriage either because they are too lazy to go through it, because of the kids, financially dependant, or plain scared to live alone where being divorced is still a big stigma in this country.
So, Teh Ninih, if you decide to be the first wife, be a smart one. Make sure all the accounts, cars, properties are on your name..
When a man can take a second wife, I believe that he is also capable of taking 3, 4, etc…
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Ihaknt says:
Parvita,
I like the way you think…Mmmmmmm, you got me thinking now! Thanks girl!
Make sure all the accounts, cars, properties are on your name.
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Dimp says:
Hey Ihaknt,
There is such thing as pre-nuptial agreement.
Not sure if this thing exist in Indo though, as you know anything can be twisted there.
Wonder what the rule for Teh Ninih if she actually opt to divorce Aa Gym, will she get anything, I think she prefers the safest option, to be mocked as a weak woman who got forced to accepth the decision by Aa Gym, rather than choosing the uncertainty of single life, as you know, being a “janda” is not easy in Indonesia.
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Too late for me, Dimp.
Me already married. As you said “pre-nup”, so it shouldv’e been done BEFORE I got married, sigh it’s ok lah, life goes on. I hope teh nini will be ok. I am sure she has many women to care for her if she needs to cry her eyes out, while aa gym is ‘gyming’ with wife no.2.
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I guess being a first wife doesn’t mean that you have to be weak. Look at Etty Djodi, Setiawan Djodi’s first wife. To me she is strong and smart, smarter than Djodi himself. At the end of the day, the second wife was the one that became berserk. Believe me, there are some smart women that I know out there, where the husband has no choice except to stick with her. How many women are there who knows the husband is fooling around but they don’t file for divorce? Tons of them. A lot of them has powerful husbands. When all the intangible is gone, at least don’t lose the tangible part.
Not everybody is like Dewi Yul or Tri Utami. For them, they don’t want to share husbands. They take the divorce path. First wives can be strong if they can play it right. Though I am speaking as a middle class person, maybe in the lower strata it is different. But we are talking about the middle class and up people, right?
So, it is up to Teh Ninih, be smart, or cry a river. Love is an important factor in a marriage, but having 7 kids, she shouldn’t have time to feel depressed, especially with that level of spirituality. I believe she’ll do just fine, just need to get used to it.
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Hi Parvita,
I think it’s the perception as being “janda” in Indonesia need to be changed, it seems that being a “janda” can be perceived as a negative thing.
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Rudy Hendra says:
Hey,
Why don’t Teh Ninih, also marry another man, so she have 2 husband?Hahaha…
That will be more fair for AA Gym. -
VIA says:
Hi “Dimp”, how can “janda” perception in Indonesia can be changed? how long does it take? how do we change it? pls elaborate it! Thanks.
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Hi Via,
The only way to change this perception is through education, and as we know it the education system in Indonesia is so influenced with hidden agendas. And as long as Indonesians still try to relate everything to religion, I don’t think this can change any time soon.
I don’t mean religion is bad, religion is good to some extent.
Too many Indonesians have been brainwashed with so called morality, I think these people need to open their eyes, start viewing things from different perspectives, try to reach for higher learning, seek the thruth from every angle possible.
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Zanni says:
If polygamy is still allowed in some circumstances (and presuming that Indonesia is the country with the largest Islamic population in the world as opposed to being the largest Islamic country in the world) then there is nothing to stop the Government to revise the marriage law to redress the balance and allow women to take extra husbands. After all isn’t Indonesia meant to be striving towards fair rights for women.
With this in mind, I agree with Rudy Hendra that Teh Ninih take a second husband – preferably a “rumput muda” to give Aa Gym a run for his money. There are plenty of unemployed young Indonesian men who would love to have a wife the calibre of Teh Ninih.
As to the concept of Janda, what is the equivalent title given to divorced Indonesian men? I suggest the term goblok!
And what do we call Ah Gym now? How about munafik!
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srikandi says:
Romance ends when Marriage begins: (well usually), to those who believe that keeping one marriage / relationship balanced and in harmony an easy thing, please post your advise, cause frankly, keeping a marriage work is HARD WORK!!! And boy, I can certainly use your advice. Between raising children, keeping a career, and a household, who’s got the time & energy to even have an outside romance?
Oh I forgot, this is Indonesia where you can actually hire help to do everything for you, unlike if one is living in the West. (conclusion -x-tra time can lead to x-tra marital activity..hehe)
Relationship vs Sex?: is this discussion really about religion? Frankly before we get into the spiritual realm, lets discuss the practical stuff.
Can I assume that It seems to me that most men who believe in Polygamy (i hope I am totally wrong) seem to think it is about validation of keeping more than one sexual partners according to their religious beliefs. Have they really thought about actually having a relationship with this other person ? actually really getting to know them emotionally/physically and tons of other responsibilities (imagine the extra inlaws/extra family dramas/extra yucky stuff that we have to put up with when we are joining another family) that is a nightmare in itself !!!!
However I can imagine if S***T hits the fan in one family, its convenient to run and spend it w/ the other family… isn’t that so ?Being Monogamous (sexually) its not Natural : for those of you who believe its not natural to sleep w/ one partner for the rest of your life say Aiiiyyyy!!!
I believe its totally natural to want and do it w/ multiple partners.
So this is not about battle of the sexes or religious prejudice, its merely a game of …:
“Oooh I really feel like sleeping w/ other people than my partner but my cultural norms totally prohibits me to do so.. so I’ll go find a loop hole in the book of the laws to see how much I can get away with it !”
hehehe comical…!!!!!
(Married, in love w/ 2 men and has done absolutely nothing about it.)
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sgn says:
1.
To all girls who are anti-polygamy, may I propose the following?Before you married, ask your candidate if he is pro-polygamy.
If his answer “yes”, don’t marry him.
If his answered unclear, don’t marry him.2.
Believe me, it is not easy to be a single (janda) with 7 children. I think Teh Ninih has chosen the safest way. Asking for divorce will be worsen the situation. Worse for her husband’s reputation, worse for her Yayasan, worse for her religion, worse for her parent and worse for her. Poor woman.Perhaps this kind of situation happened to Aisah (sorry to say).
sgn
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Dear SGN
Why should the responsibility lie with Teh Ninih.
Aa Gym has already created a situation which has impacted upon his own reputation, upon Teh Ninih’s Yayasan, her own standing, her religion (yes as many people are angry with Ae Gym and have lost respect for him), upon her Teh Ninih’s parents (who must be very sad their daughter has been treated with such lack of respect).
The only reason divorced women in Indonesia have a hard time is that the law does not sufficiently protect them. As a divorced woman, Teh Ninih by rights should be able to claim maintenance payments from Aa Gym as well as a large chunk of any estate he owns. This is her due – she has spent many years supporting her husband, who doubtless would not be where he is without that support. Then there would be no problem and she could live her life happily without her hypocritical duplicitous husband.
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Has anybody ever thought that Teh Ninih loves Aa Gym? She loves him so much, and has been partners for years, and it’s better for her to be able to love him despite of Aa now divide his attention? Love does strange things.
Dimp: I think the paradigm of ‘janda cerai’ has changed these days in Indonesia (I’m speaking as a middle class citizen living in Jakarta). Divorced women that I met are more open to admit that they are janda, that they left their husbands. Divorce is also mentally dragging, the second most cause of depression is divorce (the first is death). Takes a courage and support from families and friends to make this decision.
Two husbands? I guess us women are smarter than men. 🙂
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Zanni Says:
December 19th, 2006 at 3:38 am
Dear SGNWhy should the responsibility lie with Teh Ninih.
Aa Gym has already created a situation which has impacted upon his own reputation, upon Teh Ninih�s Yayasan, her own standing, her religion (yes as many people are angry with Ae Gym and have lost respect for him), upon her Teh Ninih�s parents (who must be very sad their daughter has been treated with such lack of respect).
The only reason divorced women in Indonesia have a hard time is that the law does not sufficiently protect them. As a divorced woman, Teh Ninih by rights should be able to claim maintenance payments from Aa Gym as well as a large chunk of any estate he owns. This is her due – she has spent many years supporting her husband, who doubtless would not be where he is without that support. Then there would be no problem and she could live her life happily without her hypocritical duplicitous husband.
Dear Zanni, God bless you.
I agree with you. In this case, the responsibility should not lie with the wife.
I should write:
… I think Teh Ninih has chosen the safest way. She might think that asking for divorce will be worsen the situation….sgn (who loves his wife very much)
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Parvita Says:
December 19th, 2006 at 8:16 am
Has anybody ever thought that Teh Ninih loves Aa Gym? She loves him so much, and has been partners for years, and it’s better for her to be able to love him despite of Aa now divide his attention? Love does strange things.
If that the case, we could differentiate the meaning of “love” between Teh Ninih and his husband. The husband also said “I married to second wife, because I loves Teh Ninih so much”.
God bless Parvita.
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Love? or terpaksa? they are two different things. The unknown creates fear. Plus that she is aware that she ia a public figure in some ways. And the majority of people are judgemental. Either way people will talk about her. Yes it could be love, it could also be because she is comfortable in her own familiarity and to make such dramatic move, it does take courage and a lot of support. Friends would normally give support but in her case, maybe the family is also giving pressure and all sort of ‘nasehat’ not to leave him. In my view not getting support from family is harder than initiatin the separation itself.
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Hi Parvita,
The term “janda cerai’ (jc) has certainly eveolved from the old days, but there are still people who look down to jc. The more education people get I think the more people understand that jc does not constitute to negativity.
I cannot say what went accross Teh Ninih mind when Aa Gym said “Hey, I’m gonna get a second wife”, but judging from her comment saying that she is accepting this to get to heaven…. then I am thinking she probably chose to be in this condition because she doesn’t want to be one of the jc.
Hi SGN,
The husband also said “I married to second wife, because I loves Teh Ninih so much”.
Just because someone is saying that she loves his wife doesn’t justify his betrayal of his love. This doesn’t make any sense, if this does make any sense that means people who only have one wife means that he doesn’t love their wives.
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Dear SGN
I am glad to hear you love your wife very much. So is the case with many of my Indonesian friends who are devoted to their respective spouses. I do agree with you that it is difficult for Teh Ninih to ask for a divorce given her social circumstances and background. But one positive thing – she would certainly be aware of the groundswell of support for her.
Also I would like to say that this is a very pleasant forum discussing a potentially inflammatory topic. The posters are serious and respectful of each other and the at times differing opinions. Opinions can be expressed with humour and the forum is mercifully free of the nasty potshots and idiotic comments that clog up so many other forums.
So thank and may the forth coming year bring you all peace and prosperity.
PS saya minta maaf dari orang orang Indonesia yang ikut forum ini. Bahasa Indonesia saya kurang jadi saya harus menulis dalam Bahasa Inggris.
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Bradlymail says:
If you love your wife, don’t twice! Forget about polygamy!
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Bradlymail Says:
December 20th, 2006 at 8:02 am
If you love your wife, don’t twice! Forget about polygamy!Agree!!!
For myself, I would never do polygamy.
I love my wife, my children and my parent.sgn
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Eva says:
Walah!!!
Who’s the lucky lady married with you sgn..
How many of you guys has the same mentality like sgn.. not after what Aa ‘s done to his wife… soon, many of you will copy the same…Good that i am not married and will never be…
Sick of it
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JKS says:
I bet most of Muslim ladies want to be AA wife if not concubine, so beat it man, you have another two more to go.
Dont complain ladies, you worship a boss with four wives, it is your free choice though your head equipped with some brain.
If my Lord Jesus allows me to have six wives, I will go for it.
Unfortunately His command only one wife, and I successfully obey His rule untill now and forever.
Yes, love will conquer your animal lust, learn to control it folks.
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JKS Says:
December 25th, 2006 at 4:22 am
I bet most of Muslim ladies want to be AA wife if not concubine, so beat it man, you have another two more to go.
….
If my Lord Jesus allows me to have six wives, I will go for it.Unfortunately His command only one wife, and I successfully obey His rule untill now and forever.
Sorry, I’m not convinced you are Jesus follower.
sgn
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Hassan says:
I’m not going to go into the ‘allowed vs not allowed by religion’ region, but it quite apparent that some of us (if not most) had been indoctrinated to the notion that “love” is equal to “monogamy” in a man-woman relationship. I wonder from which religion’s dogma (values) that notion came from?
Please, let’s not push the dogmas (values) of a certain religion and then declare it as a ‘universal’ value that everyone should comply to.
A’a Gym is not a follower of the religion with that dogma (value) – “love” is equal to “monogamy” – so please, end the polemic. We do not have the right to judge other people’s marital status.
I think that Indonesians had watched to much of those infotaintment garbage and had been ‘brainwashed’ to think that it’s our right to gossip about and even slander other people’s marriage.
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Yes, Hassan, I agree.
I think it is possible to love two women equally.I had a married man said that he loved me but he also loved his wife and would not divorce her. Yet he complained about his relationship with his wife.
Indecisive Jerk
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Parvita: that sounds bad. C’est la vie 🙂
I was just curious, hypothetically speaking, personally IF you had the power to determine what the guy should do, which one would you have him done:
a. divorce his wive and marry you.
b. not divorce his wive and things will continue like it was before.
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Hahaha, Hassan, this should go to private discussion!
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😀
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Whatever decision you made Teh Ninih, you must feel comfortable with it and enjoy it. If you dont, you let yourself to be abused by your husband. That abuse will never be healthy for your relationship. So you can always try that decision, lets see what happen for the next of couple of weeks or months or years. Once you try it and you dnt feel comfortable anymore, please don’t be afraid to get out from that decision. At anytime you have the right to get out from that decision. You can always change your mind at anytime. Dont be scared to say “NO” after you said “YES”. You must remember that its better alone rather than sick with your partner. Getting divorce isnt the end of the world. You can always find happiness after sadness. You can always find a better partner or husband in the future if you are willing to find one. I’m sure you are going to be fine once you change your mind in the future to get out from that relationship once you feel that you cnt handle it anymore. Ok good luck! All the best.